A Letter From The Office Of Personnel Management: 5 Tips For Furloughed Federal Workers
Have no fear, furloughed federal workers! The Office of Personnel Management (OPM) is here to provide five ways you can make ends meet while your single source of income is held hostage to build a wall. Holding Mexican children in cages didn’t work, so now we’re trying the next easiest scapegoat: Government workers.
This is only a temporary resolution, of course. Mexico is going to pay for the wall. You just need to pay for it, first.
As we mentioned in the letter we sent recently, our first recommendation is for federal workers who, for some reason or another, do not own their homes, yet: Talk to your landlords about paying part of your rent in maintenance work. The skill set that federal employees have built in their respective agencies should translate well. Furloughed workers from the EPA should find renovation work just like their old job: Like the environment, it’s probably too late to save the home and it might be better to just leave. Workers from the Department of Transportation, meanwhile, are likely to find painting up their alley. The walls they often have to paint will be rotten and in need of serious structural repairs, but the only orders since the 1960s have been to make them look nice.
Building these skills is important for the future. They will also prove lucrative once Mexicans are kept from entering the country.
Our second recommendation to federal workers who are struggling to make ends meet is simple: Get a real job. Really, get out. A primary motivation for the shutdown is to push government workers into the private sector. By glutting the market and driving down wages, we can help business interests increase their profit by saving money on their workforce. If you’ve been furloughed, now you have time to scan those classifieds. Members of the deep state are especially encouraged to seek a career change.
Our third recommendation: Suck it up! There’s no reason to be depressed by the fact you don’t have an income, anymore. Some of us in other agencies aren’t getting paid, either, but we're still showing up to work. Just look at the tip-top worker morale over at the Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Lots of them aren’t getting paid, but they’re still tear-gassing Honduran women and starving the Mexican children in their custody.
Why? Because that’s what they like to do.
Which brings us to our fourth recommendation for furloughed federal workers: Pursue your passion. Join the Tea Party. Shop for your favorite Ivanka products. Attend a KKK rally or Richard Spencer lecture. Read The Bell Curve or, better yet, buy The Art of the Deal from your local bookshop or the White House Gift Store.
Finally, our fifth recommendation is for federal workers who are running out of options: Do whatever you can to make money.
We suggest trafficking in food stamps. Not only is it easy; we also need more people to do it so we can keep claiming that food stamp fraud is rampant. With your help, we can close down this wasteful government program. In a way, we’re paying you, while in another, you can be your own boss. In fact, the chances of facing prosecution for food stamp fraud have never been lower: Our investigators have also been furloughed.
Of course, we do not expect federal workers to face financial trouble while they have no income, even if it lasts longer than the expected two years. After all, federal employees came to work in the government for the 472% pay increase over similar jobs in the private sector. The onus has been on them to put some of that money aside for the completely foreseeable probability that the government would collapse under heated partisanship manifested in a non-metaphorical wall (concrete or bust!) along the southern border. If federal employees bought a yacht and 16th century cognac instead of saving for a mid-life retirement, the upcoming financial strain is on them.
As always, if you have questions about the status of your employment or need help paying bills, you can call our office. The estimated wait time to answer your call is between one day and two years.