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Trump’s Partial Government Shutdown Causes Extreme Hardship To Both US And Russian Spies

Trump’s Partial Government Shutdown Causes Extreme Hardship To Both US And Russian Spies

 

The failure of the Trump administration and the Democrats to reach a budgetary agreement because of the Mexican / US border wall funds has had unforeseen consequences. These have been manifested in a series of bitter complaints from FUSS (the Russian based organization, the Federation of United States Spies). The organization’s employees are all on the US government’s books, despite not one of its 5,000 members’ names appearing on any official document within the US government records, including tax returns.

“Officially we don’t exist,” claimed the organization’s spokesperson, Mr. C. Cret-squirrel, “We wouldn’t last long if, while pretending to be Russian agents, some guy from our embassy rolls up in the FSB (Federal Security Service) canteen in the middle of a vodka break and hands us our pay checks. Putin would have our knackers off within minutes in that scenario, right? Nevertheless, we DO exist, and should have been protected from the carnage created by the politicos’ squabbling over the freaking Mexican border wall.”

When asked how they should have been taken care of, Mr. Cret-Squirrel snapped, “NOT ‘taken care of,’ dunce! We NEVER use that expression in our business. By protection I meant having our salaries ring fenced so we could continue spying and still pay our bills. It’s causing some of us real hardship. Take Derek Snot for example (Egor Blimeyvic is his working name over here). He has to pay his ex-wife her alimony the first day of every month on the dot. If the check arrives late she comes round to the FSB offices with their idiot kids in tow and starts banging on the windows and shouting through the letterbox. Her Alabama drawl is a dead giveaway in a Russian speaking country.”

We understand that similar complaints have been passed on to Donald Trump directly from his boss, Vladimir Putin. In a tweet sent to Trump from the Russian kleptocrat and incompetent assassin puppet-master, the balding bear wrestler and naked snow roller wrote:

“Donnie. This is NOT what I told you to do! My FSB guys are having 2 use food banks. Their butts R hanging out their trousers for damn sake! Screw your wall. SORT IT! Luv U / Miss U, Vlad.”

Further complaints have poured in from spies in other countries. These include US spies deeply embedded in the following countries with issues brought to light through the following tweets:

GUT NOW THIN – A US spy located in Pyongyang, N. Korea - “Send emergency cash! Risk of being unmasked as no longer have enough money to buy the make-up needed to keep eyes looking ‘almond’ shaped.”

SERGE TROUSEURS – A US spy located in Paris, France - “If U want the dirt to keep flowing on the garlic munching surrender monkeys then send my wages ASAP. I’m gasping for a Gitane, baguette and a glass of wine.”

ARTHUR SIXPENCE – A US spy located in Westminster, England – “Cor blimey! I’m right on my uppers! I’m even worse off than the other poor sods in this backward sh*thole country. SEND MY WAGES!”

ALI MENTAL – A US spy based in Tehran, Iran - “Send money. Eating kosher sand is no fun. At least they’re nice folks here. They’ve lent me a few Rials to get by and offered me use of a camel if I turn double-agent.”

When challenged on the detrimental effect that the partial shutdown was having on the well being of US spies around the globe, VP Pence was quoted as saying. “What partial shutdown? What’s a spy? Has Santa been yet?”

 
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