Democrats To Clone JFK For Run Against Trump In 2020
News has leaked out that the Democratic party is so desperately disappointed with the ragbag bunch of candidates that have raised their hands to run in the presidential race in 2020 that they have been forced to take the unprecedented step of resurrecting John F. Kennedy from the dead. It is understood that a $1 billion contract has been signed with the mythical company from Jurassic Park, InGen, to extract a DNA sample from the remains of the long dead president and to use this to grow a clone.
“We had no choice,” said a grey golf shirted spokesman for the Democrats, Lee Povfaith, “Look at the crap candidates we’ve got to choose from. Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders and all those other live-on-your-knees left wing jokers. Alternatively, we have Beto O’Rourke, who comes with his pre-loser credentials stamped on his forehead. Then there’s that old has-been Joe Biden. He can barely remember where he left his teeth… and these dunces are the cream of the crop. Trump and his right wing red necks would trounce us, no contest. So, we had to do something more radical. To this end we’ve managed to crowd fund $1 billion for the 2020 election, all of which will be spent with InGen. We plan to grow a bunch of Kennedys but will be accelerating the regeneration of John so he is ready in time for the preliminary rounds of the 2020 campaign.”
Mr. Povfaith then went on to quip, “Don’t worry. We’ll be keeping this one well away from any grassy knolls!”
When members of the press pack pointed out that InGen was a purely fictional company and does not now, and never has existed in the real world, Mr. Povfaith snapped, “You cynical journos make me want to puke. You’re always with the no-can-do negativity. InGen most definitely DOES exist. I met their chief scientist and CEO Anthony Scaramucci personally when I handed over the $1 billion check to him in a Washington underground car park which was surprisingly devoid of any CCTV cameras.”
It may well be the truth that Mr. Povfaith has handed over a check to someone but no trace can be found by press researchers of any company registered anywhere in the world under the name of InGen, or anyone with the farcical name Scaramucci.
Nevertheless, and undeterred, Mr. Povfaith has appointed a campaign manager in readiness for the resurrection of the long dead Democrat ex president. Fresh from a short spell in what was described as a ‘health clinic,’ ex Disney cartoonist, Ivor Goofybrain, will head the team to elect John F. Kennedy (Mk 2).
Hanging upside down from his ‘play tire on a rope’ Mr. Goofybrain outlined the platform of policies that will be used to launch the Democrats’ bid to win the presidency. These included:
• Free soap for dirty people.
• ‘Stroke a goldfish’ week for the undernourished in every state with goldfish.
• A home for everyone on the planet Pluto regardless of race, creed, or religious and sexual preference, providing they can make their own way there.
• A Marilyn Monroe blow up doll and pair of boxing gloves for all pre-pubescent teenage boys.
• Open borders between the US and Neverland.
• A new $1 coin to be made of wood.
• The banning of blond wigs and tanning sunbeds for all presidential candidates.
• A ‘play tire on a rope’ in every home in the US by 2025.
A spokesperson for the Republican party was quick to react to this shocking announcement from the Democratic headquarters.
“We are not fazed in the least by this news,” said Gaylord Shambles, the official Republican nonsense spouter, “We have every confidence that Donald Trump with hammer any resurrection of JFK. That said, we have our own $1 billion check ready for Mr. Scaramucci just in case.”
When pressed by the press to press him for what this money would be spent on, Shambles tapped the side of his nose and said, “That’s a secret. Let’s just say that after four years of Trump, we may need to move much more towards the centre ground.”
It was noted by journalists that Mr. Shambles had a copy of ‘Mein Kampf’ in his hip pocket.