Trump Claims Obama’s $1Trillion House Has Moat Containing Loch Ness Monster
In a bizarre attack on the Obama family during a recent press conference about the partial government shutdown, the Commander-in-Chief attacked the hypocrisy and duplicity of the Democrats’ blocking funds for Trump’s Mexican border wall by claiming that Barack Obama’s palatial home was itself heavily fortified.
“All I want is America to be as well protected as the Obama’s home,” sobbed the President to a press pack still bloated and half asleep from the season’s excesses, “What’s good enough for them should be good enough for the red neck idiots that voted for me. Come on you lefty commie live-on-your-knees, Democrat hypocrites, let’s get government working again. Vote me the money I want to build that wall and we can all get back to enjoying our holidays.”
The claims, which for the record are all entirely false, included the following:
• The house itself is constructed using bricks made entirely of gold, all given to Obama by ‘crooked Hillary’ and bought with funds illegally syphoned off from the Clinton Foundation.
• Because the house is worth $1 billion billion billion, it has to be guarded around the clock by highly trained marines, specializing in stopping undocumented illegal aliens from stealing gold bricks. The wage bill alone for these guard’s costs the US taxpayer in excess of $1 trillion a year.
• There is a moat around the building that is so deep it goes down through the earth’s crust and taps into the free heat available from the earth’s core. The Obamas use this to heat their 40-yard wide Jacuzzi and to keep their unicorn stables warm.
• The Obamas hire the Loch Ness monster from the British to swim around the lake and eat any wetbacks trying to rob them.
• The Obamas also use ray guns and zombies and other sh*t like that to protect the property, assets that the US border guards are denied because the selfish greedy Obamas hog them all.
It did not go unnoticed by the press pack that the President was wearing a Luke Skywalker onesie and foaming around the edges of his mouth when he started his outrageous polemic against the Obamas.
When he was eventually dragged from the podium by VP Mike Pence (still in his Albino Santa’s costume), the White House press spokeswoman or otherwise, Ms. Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders (potentially LGBTQ and curious) continued the briefing session by apologizing for the President’s outburst. This she explained away by saying that the President was over-tired and over-excited, and that he’d probably eaten too much sugar.
Ms. Hound then went on to say that building the Mexican / US border wall had been an election promise Trump had given to Putin and he intended to honour this commitment to his boss. She then let it slip that the wall was in fact being built not to keep Mexicans and other South Americans out of the US, but to keep US citizens IN.
When the kleptocratic dictator and bungling assassin puppet-master Putin starts rolling his tanks across into Alaska then down through Canada to the US, he didn’t want all the free slave labour slipping across the border into Mexico.
At the conclusion of the press conference Ms. Sanders insisted the press pack all join hands and sing ‘Auld Lang Syne.’ It was noted that there was a strong smell of liquor coming from the press spokesperson’s breath as she hitched her skirt above her knees, linked arms with security guards and started dancing the Hokey-Kokey.
In a statement from their rented modest trailer home on the outskirts of Washington, Barack Obama was quoted as saying, “Could you help me pick up some sticks? I think the stove’s gone out.”