Trump First To Recognize Captain Hook As Neverland Leader, Other Nations Set To Follow
In a surprise announcement from The White House president Donald Trump has officially recognized Captain Hook as the legitimate leader of the government of Neverland. That troubled country has been mired in civil unrest for sometime now, and in the absence of free and fair elections, Trump’s move has stunned those of a more liberal leaning.
“Has he gone out of his tiny comb-over mind?” spat out a dumbfounded Nancy Pelosi when she was told of the president’s announcement during one of her face ironing sessions, “Everybody knows Peter Pan is the people’s choice in that troubled country. The last thing the population of Neverland needs is for that unelected dictator Hook’s pirate regime being given any legitimacy by the so-called leader of the free world.”
But Trump took an entirely different position on Hook. In a press interview the president clearly stated his reasons for adding the weight of official US recognition to Hook’s regime.
“The guy deserves a break,” snapped Trump, “Like me, he’s a self made man, although he knocked off a little earlier than me. It’s tough enough running an entrepreneurial business like a pirate ship, and the guy’s come a long way since his swashbuckling days. He now offers all employees on the job training, a crèche for the lady pirates with kids, healthcare including dental for pirates that still have teeth, and profit share on all bootee in the fiscal year following, for all plunders taking place before 1st April 2020. That’s a good deal for staff in anyone’s book. Now he wants to spread this beneficence to all Neverland’s citizens, and would have done by now were it not for ‘crooked Peter.’ If that little butt-gecko was a US citizen I’d lock him up. Did you know he employs fairies?”
In a vicious personal attack on Peter Pan the president continued, “This joker Pan thinks he’s some kind of high flyer, but in my book he needs to at least reach puberty before he considers himself ready for high office, and I can’t see that happening any time soon.”
It was pointed out to Trump by the reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ that general opinion was that Peter Pan was the good guy and Hook the bad guy in that country. Whilst admitting that Pan does, in fact, employ fairies it was universally considered as a giant step forward in a country slow to recognise the civil rights of the LGBTQ community.
Further, Pan was internationally recognised as a strong exponent of environmental issues, working hard to encourage the protection and preservation of endangered species such as f*ng big crocodiles with alarm clocks in their stomachs.
“That’s as may be, but what has he done for the economy? Zip! What’s worse, he’ll let any old undocumented illegals into that country. I know for a fact he flew in with three kids recently, none of whom had passports, visas, jobs to go to, or even family in Neverland to legitimise their entry. I know Hook is keen to build a wall to keep these scrounging, drug dealing gangbangers and potential rapists out, and I for one fully support him in this.”
A spokeswoman for Pan, Wendy Boatcomesin, commented, “Trump is interfering in our country’s internal affairs, and that’s just wrong. How would he like it if Peter suddenly announced to the world he didn’t recognize Trump as the legitimate leader of America? Then he endorsed someone more to the political left of centre as the legitimate leader, someone such as Thomas Robb?”
The first nation leader expected to follow Trump’s lead in recognizing Hook as Neverland’s president is likely to be the Venezuelan president, Nicholas Maduros, who on hearing the news, was quoted as saying, “Hook’s welcome to be the big noise there as far as I’m concerned. It’s a crappy job in a craphole country. Pirates, crocks, fairies and illegals? Jesus! It’s almost worse than here.”
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0