'Her Face Gave Her Away': Kate McKinnon Charged With Murder By Bored Mueller Investigators
NEW YORK, New York – Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team of investigators took an unforeseen path earlier this week, indicting and arresting Saturday Night Live regular Kate McKinnon for an unsolved 2008 murder.
“We knew she was hiding a body somewhere,” someone on the investigative team disclosed on condition of anonymity. “Just look at her face every time she’s on camera.”
How McKinnon is related to the investigation into Russia’s influence in the 2016 election, though, is unknown. Several undisclosed sources from within the Special Counsel’s chambers, however, have said that they were wrapping their case against Presidents Trump and Putin, and needed something to do during their lunch breaks.
“We’re one or two tweets away from the strongest, most textbook obstruction case you can imagine,” one said. “With that being just a matter of time, we delved into other things.”
“Someone mentioned how Kate [McKinnon] always went to one face, whenever she had to do some acting on screen,” another added. “And that face was always ‘act like they’re not just about to find the body.’”
“So we found it!”
Utilizing public information about McKinnon’s life and whereabouts, together with cold cases and unsolved murders of people known to occasionally interact with her social circle, Mueller’s team of bored prosecutors pieced together a case that was compelling enough to present to Mr. Mueller himself for approval.
His reported response was, “Really? This is what you’re doing with your time, now? Sure, whatever.”
Excavation began deep in the woods of Brooklyn’s Prospect Park, and uncovered bones and the DNA of one Millard Thornwood, who went missing in 2008 soon after leaving a party in Bushwick. Among the attendees of that party: Ms. McKinnon.
Jerald Hash, Nebraska native and founder of the Trump-supporting Facebook group MAGA or GTFO, was ecstatic with the news.
“Finally, we can say hashtag lock her up. Suck it, Crooked Hillary! Our president just nabbed you and your cronies! Soros, you’re next!”
Questions for clarification proved futile. Side-by-side pictures of Hillary Clinton and Kate McKinnon, videos of Ms. McKinnon merely impersonating Ms. Clinton on television, and IMDB credits explicitly stating that Ms. McKinnon was not, in fact, Ms. Clinton only added to the confusion.
39 minutes after Mr. Hash tweeted his reaction, he was retweeted by Mr. Trump on both his personal and official White House accounts.
Jeffrey Sandberg, Ms. McKinnon’s defense lawyer, insisted that his client is innocent.
“These accusations are groundless, and my client will fight them to the end,” he proclaimed in a press conference just before Ms. McKinnon, out of jail on one million dollars bail, took the microphone.
“I want to emphasize just… how… innocent… I really am,” she managed to get out, with the darting eyes and tortured face of a psychopath, before her attorney was able to pull her away and desperately order her to “put the bag back over your face.”
The trial is set for October. Sentencing is already scheduled for November.
Photo by MTV International | CC-BY-3.0 Unported