Wilbur Ross Hospitalized For 'Acute Befuddlement'
Mummified Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, has been rushed to an undisclosed DC hospital after what an unidentified aide called, “losing his s*.”
Ross, who looks at least ten, or maybe fifteen, years older than his actual age of 110, was seen tearing off his clothes and running through the West Wing of the White House, naked.
“He looked like a wrinkled-up baby bird,” said the aide. The reason for the meltdown: The good Secretary was apparently turned down for a car loan.
“He’s had his eye on a Tesla for a while now,” explained the aide, adding, “which is nuts, because the dude doesn’t even drive, for God’s sake. He can’t see ten feet in front of him. Even after cataract surgery.”
So wealthy that thousand-dollar bills were found in a stool sample during his annual physical, Ross has been slammed for his clueless comments about the legion of federal workers furloughed due to the recent government shutdown.
Saying that he “didn’t quite understand” why the workers were showing up at food banks and homeless shelters, Ross suggested that these hapless employees, who have been struggling without their paychecks for weeks, “borrow from a bank or credit union.”
He also didn’t understand why air traffic controllers were calling in sick, as they were “eventually going to be paid.”
“Yeah. And Secretary Ross is eventually going to be as dead as he looks,” said the aide. “I mean, the guy is totally clueless. He needs to take that little head out of his wrinkled butt. I don’t get why he’s not retired and sitting by some lake somewhere. Like in those Schwab commercials. Or buried under a tree.”
Ross, whose first two marriages didn’t quite take, is currently subsidizing Wife Number 3: Hilary Geary, a writer for Quest magazine. (Quest magazine?) Geary, who is somewhere in her late 60s, has also been married twice before, and when photographed with her shrunken spouse, has the stupefied look of someone who has just awakened from a coma.
Geary was not on the scene when Ross streaked through the West Wing. “She was getting her highlights done,” said the aide. “I know because I had to make the friggin’ appointment. Any bets she’s banging someone? And not that fart she’s married to?”
After a surprisingly robust pursuit – the teensy Secretary being light on his feet – Ross was taken down by two security guards, one of whom threw his jacket over the mindlessly raving, and over-exposed, gazillionaire.
Hailed for his “humanity” in the midst of a tense situation, the guard in question was matter-of-fact about what others on the scene considered to be an unnecessary, and undeserved, act of kindness.
“Aww, hell.” he said. No one needs to see that. Know what I mean?”
Scuplted, molded and cast in latex. Handpainted. Hair hand-laid.
Art by Sharon Lee Rosenbaum. Copy by Sherry McGuinn