Furious Trump Rejects Latest Offer From Pelosi To Break Shutdown Logjam If Trump Stars In ‘M.A.D.’ Comedy Movie
An incandescent President Donald Trump stormed out of a one-on-one meeting with Chuck Schumer late yesterday evening, and was reportedly ‘spitting blood and feathers’ at the latest offer from the Democrats to break the logjam that has paralysed the US government causing the longest shutdown in the country’s history. Sources close to the president report that immediately following the meeting Trump was so angry he ordered Mike Pence, Trump’s creepy Albino VP, to fetch six Labrador puppies for the president to drop-kick off the White House balcony. Unconfirmed reports from security guards have the actual number of puppies kicked at over twenty-six.
The impasse between the Democrats and Trump over the president’s demands for $5.6 billion to build a huge and pointless wall the length of the Mexican / US border shows no sign of being overcome after this latest offer from the Democrats was so firmly rejected by Trump.
“I can’t deal with these people,” barked Trump to a hastily assembled press pack beside a pop-up burger bar recently installed in the lobby of the White House. Between mouthfuls of 6 oz. juicy all beef pattie with special sauce in a lightly toasted sesame bun (the food of US elite athletes) the president spat out some beef gristle along with his disdain for the latest approach from Pelosi.
“It was supposed to be a secret meeting between me and Nancy, but she didn’t turn up. She was having her face wrinkles ironed out or something, which apparently is more important than sorting out the government shut down to her. That says a lot about these fricking Democrats, right? So, she sends her butt-lizard Shumer instead. We sit down and he pushes this movie script across the table towards me. ‘Read this’ he says. So I did.”
The president then went on to describe the script.
“It’s a movie about some f*wit called Donald Dump who owns a chain of luxury prisons called ‘Dump Dungeons.’ The idiot gets himself compromised by taking money from some Russian guy called Vladiwell Putitin to run Dump’s campaign for the American presidency.
This guy Dump becomes president but gets into a trade war with China over crap US electric shavers they won’t buy. There was some other guff about a Brit woman who builds a doomsday machine that can set off all the world’s nuclear bombs, which dufus Dump sets off accidentally with his huge ass during a cage fight with the Chinese president, Mi Hung Long. Quite frankly I couldn’t follow the story too closely as I was literally peeing my pants laughing. I soon stopped though when that ass-gecko Schumer said he not only wanted me to make the movie but to star in it! I was asked to take the leading part, that of Donald Dump.”
After a long pull on a super-sized Dr. Pepper, the president belched then continued, “’But Dump’s a moron!’ I said to Schumer. Besides the names Donald Trump and Donald Dump are very similar. Those dumb red necks and mouth breathers out there could easily interpret the Dump character as a parody of ME!”
When asked to describe the person he’d have to play in the movie, Trump said, “He’s a f*ing clown! For a start he wears this ridiculous blond wig over natural hair like mine. He’s married to a robot called Mekanika who has breasts that are dials you can set from ‘sleep’ through ‘horny’ and ‘randy’ to ‘stormy.’ That’s just silly. Also, he has a daughter called Satania who’s as greedy as hell, and she’s married to a human lizard. How ludicrous is that? His VP is an Albino idiot called Mike Dunce who wears a superman onesie under his suit. That’s just stupid! The whole movie project looks like a rip off of Dr. Strangelove and Idiocracy to me, and I hope it never gets made. I for one would never go see it, unless they offered me the lead part.”
Both Schumer and Pelosi were unavailable for comment for rebuttal, but a spokeswoman for Paramount Pictures said they were aware of the script and seriously thinking about optioning it. However, they would never consider casting Trump.
“He’s already beyond a joke,” said the spokeswoman.
The script, M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction), written by David Smith and David Tenenbaum, has yet to be taken up by any major studio, but Danny DeVito has asked that he be offered the role of Dump should it get produced.
“I got the height, the looks and the gravitas,” smirked DeVito, “And I’m happy to wear the wig and screw the robot.”
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0