Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood?
Look how far our nation has come. In 2008, our nation elected Barack Obama, a constitutional scholar and Nobel Prize winner, as the first African-American president. A mere eight years later, our nation elected Donald Trump, a man with a complete lack of experience or any applicable skills, as the first president to be endorsed by the Ku Klux Klan. And those people are hard to please.
I feel inspired by Trump. Why should I let a complete lack of qualifications prevent me from pursuing an implausible career? I've decided to move to the other side of the non-existent wall on the southern border where I shall announce my candidacy for president of Mexico. Yes, I will be the first United States citizen to run for president of Mexico.
My fellow Mexicans, I know that we have some issues to sort out before I can run. For instance, I am not a fellow Mexican. I don't speak Spanish. I don't know how your elections work or if it's even an election year in your country. I know even less about your government, but I do know this, I will be the greatest non-Mexican President of Mexico in all of Mexico's history.
I don't know the biggest concerns of your citizens or what problems your country faces. I don't know my way around because I've never been to Mexico, but I've seen the movie La Bamba. And that was about a Mexican family living in the United States. I know that it's every Mexican citizen's dream to move to the U.S. and become a rock star, and with your support I can help make that dream come true.
My campaign slogan will be: Make America Remember How Much They Liked the Movie La Bamba Again. If you make me your president, we will remake La Bamba and cast a Mexican actor in the lead role. (I don't know his heritage. I'm just assuming Lou Diamond Phillips is not Mexican based solely on his name. I know I could look it up, but my friends and I have been debating his ethnicity long before Google existed. And Googling it now would be such an anticlimactic end to a thirty-year argument). Indeed, if I am elected president of Mexico, I promise you the new La Bamba will have a happy ending. The plane will not crash on my watch.
Now, I realize my policies may not be popular with everyone. If you're under thirty-five, you've probably never heard of La Bamba and have no idea what I'm talking about. You may think it's stupid to mention America in my slogan to run for president of Mexico, but I promise you if elected I will make "La Bamba" our country's national anthem. Because it's a great song and I don't know any other Mexican songs. And by “know,” I mean I'm familiar with it. I don't know the lyrics or anything because, as I mentioned before, I don't speak Spanish.
I do know some Spanish words. The ones that were taught on Sesame Street during the late seventies and early eighties. I also know that in Mexico, Sesame Street is called El Plazo Sesamo. Did you know in the U.S., Sesame Street is on HBO now? That's just wrong. Parents have to pay for a premium channel so their children can enjoy the fine educational programming they used to be able to watch for free on PBS. No wonder people were dumb enough to vote for Trump.
So, in conclusion if you vote to make me your first non-Mexican President of Mexico, I promise El Plazo Sesamo will always be free as long as the Children's Television Workshop doesn't fight me on that.