Jerome Corsi Arrested For Brutal Murder Of Laptop
Conspiracy theorist, right-wing talking head and author/hack, Jerome Corsi, has been taken into Federal custody for the particularly savage slaying of his 17” laptop.
According to medical examiners, the damage inflicted was so extreme as to make identification nearly impossible. “This beats anything I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen it all,” said one ME. “We can’t even tell if the laptop is a Mac or Windows-based machine.”
An enthusiastic supporter of the Orange Troll’s “birther” theory, alleging that former President Barack Obama is not a citizen of the United States, the jowly pundit is now facing prison time due to his close association with former POTUS adviser, Roger Stone, who is front and center in the Mueller investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election.
The soon-to-be orange-jump-suited Corsi (size XXL), had the skinny on the hacking and leak of Hillary Clinton’s emails and shared this information with Stone, months before Julian Assange, nicknamed “Stanky,” for his poor personal hygiene, published the emails in his WikiLeaks.
Because “stupid is, as stupid does,” Corsi exchanged thousands of emails with Stone regarding the impending WikiLeaks leak -- as many as 60,000 -- stored on his aging laptop, which was seized by Mueller’s team.
As if this couldn’t get more convoluted, it is alleged that Corsi deleted all emails prior to October, 2016, claiming that his “17-inch laptop was dying and it needed new space.” He added, “I was really attached to that old girl and wanted to keep her running. I never intended to erase evidence.”
Well, the “old girl,” is no more, as Corsi has sent her straight to laptop heaven. “Inexplicably, he blames that poor laptop for his facing jail time,” says an anonymous source.
As of this writing, the soon-to-be-incarceree has refused Mueller’s plea deal of owning up to a single count of perjury for lying to federal investigators.
“No way I’m going to prison,” he said. “I’m too old to be someone’s B. Mueller can blow it out his ear,” as far as I’m concerned.
Finally, because we believe in disclosing as much information as possible to our readers, we asked the ME how the laptop was dispatched. “Oh, with a blunt instrument, no question,” he said. “An orthopedic shoe, I’m guessing.”
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