Jordan Peterson Hospitalized Following Attack From Giant Mutant Lobsters
International bestselling author and University of Toronto professor Dr. Jordan B. Peterson was hospitalized on Thursday following an alleged attack from a group of giant mutant lobsters. Peterson told reporters that he was "merely dipping his toes in the bay while reading The Gulag Archipelago when [he] was assaulted by a ravenous group of mutated lobsters, some ranging as large as six feet long, buck-o, and as wide as an underwater grizzly bear with big bloody powerful claws that'll rip ya right in half if you're not careful."
Peterson told reporters that the only way he managed to escape was by throwing three volumes of the Gulag Archipelago at the gigantic lobsters.
"You know, The Gulag Archipelago is a big, big story about the terrible gulag system in the Soviet Union from 1918 to 1956. We're even brought into the gulag ourselves through the author's own experiences. And of course, it'd be such a huge story full of atrocities spanning three volumes and many pages which did a lot of good as a weapon to beat over the heads of giant crazed lobsters," said Peterson. "It bloody well saved my life. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn's time in the gulag did not go in vein. I owe a debt of gratitude to him that is unbelievable."
Doctors at Toronto General Hospital told Flake News reporters that Peterson only suffered mild injuries during the encounter, estimating that he'll be released from the hospital by Sunday morning following a series of tests. Peterson suffered a mild concussion during his encounter with the lobsters and required five staples in his head. He wasn't able to confirm how many lobsters attacked him, but insisted that he was "attacked by a whole of bunch them, oh yeah, it was scary stuff."
"My all-meat diet probably played a role in saving my life as well, but I can't really prove that," said Peterson. "But one thing's for sure: if there weren't any gulags in Soviet Russia I'd probably be mauled to deaths by those giant mutant lobsters. I wouldn't have these huge books of horrors to fend off those bloody monsters. I got to at least give Stalin that."
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0