Giuliani Issues Festive Seasonal Plea To Lock Up Mueller
In a not unexpected public tirade against the Mueller investigation in general and Robert Mueller specifically, counsel and butt-licker supreme to the President, Rudy Giuliani, has once more raised the issue of Mueller’s credibility. However, in this most recent case Giuliani has called for Mueller himself to be investigated for crimes.
“The guy’s nothing short of a one man walking crime wave,” barked Giuliani to a press pack he paid $1,000 each out of his own pocket to turn out and listen to his insane claptrap over the holiday period.
Members of a yawning press pack, most of them wearing dinner jacket onesies and groaning under the weight of the excesses of the holiday festivities, found it hard not to laugh when a list of ‘alleged’ crimes committed by Mueller were read out by the feeble-eagle Giuliani. These included the following:
• Disturbing the peace by walking in a built up area in a particularly loud suit.
• Urinating in a public restroom.
• Exposing his private parts to himself in the bath.
• Looking at images of children in his family photo album.
• Accepting money for carrying out investigations into crooks.
• Soaking up water whilst walking in the rain, water that rightfully belonged to the American people.
• Deliberately allowing criminals to destroy evidence before he asked for it.
• Being driven without due care and attention on a bus.
“The list is near endless,” yelled Giuliani, “I could go on and on.”
To cries of ‘and frequently do’ and ‘please, no!’ from the press pack, Giuliani then demanded that Mueller be incarcerated without trial for at least 100 years ‘for the sake of justice, the rule of law and the safety of all our American children.’
In an impassioned plea, the loony-legal confessed he was losing sleep over the Mueller enquiry.
“When I think of the injustice of it all it burns me up,” sniffled Giuliani, “On the flimsiest of suspicions, hundreds of billions of taxpayers’ dollars is being wasted on this criminal Mueller’s investigation, and what’s been the result so far? Zero, zilch, nada, nichts, nothing!”
The journalist from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ was first to point out that the President’s ex private lawyer, confidante and bagman, Michael Cohen was facing a jail sentence as a result.
Other journalists then piled in naming others that had confessed to crimes, including ex.Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort. Other names were then called out including that of Konstantin Kilimnik, Sam Patten, Rick Gates, George Papadopoulos, Michael Flynn, Richard Pinendo, Alex van der Zwaan, twelve Russian intelligence officers and thirteen Russian citizens.
“So what,” snapped Giuliani, “They’re all ratbags and liars. The only one telling the truth in the whole world is my best pal Donnie, so why don’t you guys do your jobs and get with the Mueller character assassination programme?... Is it a ‘more money’ issue?”
After a few moments of silent cursing, Giuliani then fell to his knees pleading, “Please, guys. I know you know I don’t believe in anything at this time of year, but that shouldn’t stop you falling for the lie that I do. PLEASE! PLEASE! Pour some crap on Mueller so the red necks keep writing Mueller hate mail to their Congressman… and just to show how politically correct I am, Congress woman and / or LGBTQ equivalent.”
There has been no word from the President about the Giuliani press conference and his call for Mueller to be investigated. It is believed Mr. Trump is on a secret (and therefore unannounced) visit to offer season’s greetings to his front line troops at Russian military bases in Syria.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0