UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

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Natural Born Killers

Natural Born Killers

I occasionally enjoy watching the BBC News. Because I’ve never been out of the country and watching it makes me feel worldly. I was watching the BBC News last year after the Las Vegas mass shooting. The reporter said something like, “Even in America where mass shootings are quite common, this is an unprecedented tragedy.” I felt deeply ashamed of my country for a reason other than our current president, which was an unprecedented tragedy of my heart. And as I have lost of count of the number of mass shootings that have occurred in the last month, my heart tragedy goes on.

I was recently informed by a gentleman on Twitter that I am a radical liberal. I knew I was a liberal, but was completely unaware my views are radical. Apparently, opposing the mass murder of children is radical. Twitter gentlemen went on to state I was spouting the same tired liberal crap. He implored me to explain my views on what gun control should be and further told me to advocate for enforcing the current laws and mental health. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Twitter Guy.

Hey Twitter Guy,

No one tells Jennifer Loy what to do, you oblivious twit.

Warm Regards,

Jennifer Loy

I don't respond to gun nuts on Twitter. If the profile pick is a douche bag in a baseball cap holding a gun, I block said douche bag. Because it's creepy and seriously douche bag-y. Although, I was tempted to ask this man what he meant by enforcing mental health. I'm not sure it's something that can be enforced.

On the off chance Twitter Guy is reading this, I shall explain my views on gun control for the sole purpose of annoying him. Even though I was perfectly clear about my views in the blog he read citing my views as “radical.”

Jennifer Loy is in favor of anything which prevents mass shootings. Or single shootings for that matter. Shooting bad, Twitter Guy. I'm in favor of banning bump stocks, raising the age limit to buy guns, background checks and even repealing the Second Amendment if we have to. I don't give two craps about your Second Amendment rights. And the reason I don't is because you only care about your Second Amendment rights. Like to the point where it's disturbingly creepy.

Despite being a completely unapologetic nasty woman, I rarely receive negative feedback on Twitter. I occasionally receive angry responses from Trump supporters, but those are few and far between. (Most likely due to illiteracy). Only tweets promoting gun control ignite a firestorm of Twitter fury. I have mixed feelings about this as it alarms me, yet totally proves my point. The quick tempers and lack of self control confirms these people should not be allowed to hoard guns. However, they can and do hoard guns and they're crazy mad at me. I take solace in knowing they aren't very bright and I don't use my real name on Twitter. Just try and find me, Gun Enthusiasts of Twitter. Ha! You'll never enforce mental health upon Donna Troy.

And screw you for scapegoating the mentally ill, Twitter Guy. It takes a special kind of lowlife to use people suffering from an incurable illness for his own selfish purposes. The more I think about it, your lack of empathy for murdered children and the mentally ill indicates you may be suffering from psychopathic tendencies. I may have to report you to whoever enforces mental health.

Also, Twitter Guy, you need to calm down. Not that I don't enjoy knowing my blog panics you to the point of an incoherent Twitter rant. But you need to understand the difference between a satirical blog and a bill before congress. I have no power to enforce laws or mental health. I only have the power to write an entire post making fun of you. But I'm done with you for now as there are others deserving of my wrath.

I shall now aim my wrath upon Texas Lt. Governor Dan Patrick. His response to the Santa Fe shooting was to limit all schools to one entrance. Apparently, he never saw Lean On Me. Morgan Freeman locked all the entrances to the school to keep drug dealing gangsters out and was arrested for creating a fire hazard. In the movie. In real life Morgan Freeman may be arrested for being as pervy as Bill Cosby. What is up with the cast of The Electric Company? I mean, even the theme song is creepy now. “We're gonna turn it on...”

Creepy stars of educational children's programming aside, I'm sorry, Lt. Governor, you can't block off all the entrances to the school. Lean On Me is based on a true story, so what you are suggesting is illegal based on my knowledge of eighties movies. It's also stupid based on my knowledge of knowing crap.

Charlton Heston was once the president of the NRA. Heston promoted “white pride” and said some nonsense about prying his gun from his cold dead hands. No one enforced Heston's mental health. He was an alcoholic which is a contributing risk factor to brain damage and dementia. This eventually became the cause of his cold dead hands. I don't know what became of his gun, but I like to imagine someone shoved it up his cold dead anus.

NRA spokespeople have blamed mass shootings on some truly laughable causes, such as: atheists, criticizing masculinity as toxic, and junk food. I shall address these fears now.

Sorry, Christian Gun Enthusiasts, atheists aren't to blame. The Bible states very clearly, “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” It's one of the Ten Commandments, which is also a movie starring Charlton Heston. Somehow you justify owning a weapon which serves only one purpose - killing - as some kind of divine right. Also, I talked to God on Twitter and he said to leave him out of it.

There is a difference between masculinity and toxic masculinity. You can learn about toxic masculinity through the courtesy of The Electric Company...

The Frito-Lay Company is not liable for any mood swings experienced after consuming their delicious corn chips. Should you find yourself overwhelmed with homicidal urges after snacking, they suggest you try enforcing your mental health.

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

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