UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Boris Johnson Offers Trump Northern Ireland for $1, Trump Asks For a Bigger Discount

Boris Johnson Offers Trump Northern Ireland for $1, Trump Asks For a Bigger Discount

 

Following the recent rebuff of the cheeseball headed comb over cretin’s overtures to Denmark for the purchase of Greenland, new British Prime Minister Boris (Beppo) Johnson offers the United States President sole ownership of all the land, property and people of the much troubled British province of Northern Ireland.

Johnson, who recently gave up his highly successful career in the circus as ‘Beppo the sad faced clown’ in favour of being the unelected Prime Minister of the failing countries collectively called the United Kingdom, was quick off the mark when Trump’s absurd offer to Denmark flopped.

“The Greenland offer Trump made was bound to fail,” boasted Beppo, “It hit the deck like an Albatross with an arrow through its neck. Those dumb vodka swigging Danes don’t know a good deal when it’s biting them in the arse, or should I say behind if this article is being printed in America?”

‘Beppo’ Johnson then went on to brag that everybody liked him because he was such an oddity, an eccentric Brit with a silly haircut who pointlessly spouted Latin from out of nowhere, and made up offensive limericks about ‘Jonny foreigners,’ especially ‘that crappy chappy who runs Turkey who’s name I keep forgetting.’

Beppo then recited said limerick. Unfortunately this was too offensive to print but included the words Ankera, Wankera, and Thankera.

When pressed on his offer to sell the British province of Northern Ireland, Beppo said, “Si latine loqui non est stercore et scitis.” This roughly translates as, “If I talk ish in Latin no one will know.”

The British Prime Minister then went on to press home several key points as follows:

That he took a pay cut to become the unelected British Prime Minister. Apparently clown buffoonery pays extremely well for old Etonians in the UK, and the entire British establishment has been run by them for centuries.

That because a few thousand demented blue rinse old ladies who happened to be members of the Conservative party voted for him and his rabid right wing views, this gives him a mandate to represent the sixty six million people of the United Kingdom, thus proving democracy is still alive and well in Great Britain.

That Northern Ireland has been a pain in Britain’s rump for many decades, and has cost many lives, along with billions of pounds of UK taxpayers’ money. This justifies Beppo’s knock down price of $1 for the Godforsaken craphole of a country that should never have been occupied by the British in the first place.

That Trump is just dumb enough to see taking on Northern Ireland as a real estate transaction, and not as taking on the crock of poo it actually is.

That, like Trump himself, Beppo is well reported in the world’s media for (allegedly) being a self-serving liar, adulterer, narcissist, incompetent and a massive threat to democracy and world peace.

That, if America bought the province, then it could park all its bombs, tanks, missiles and killing stuff there. It would be geographically and strategically well placed if it ever went to war with its greatest enemy, France.

That Trump could have a new cause celebre, i.e. the building of a wall between the province and the Republic of Ireland. Trump would be able to do to the Irish what he did to the Mexicans and all the other decent people of South America. He could brand them all as murderers, rapists, criminals and drug dealers.

“Trump’s no idiot,” giggled Beppo to a hastily assembled press pack on the banks of the river Isis in Oxford and Beppo glided past in a punt sipping a glass of sherry, “No seriously, he isn’t. He’ll see this as a terrific deal. All we need is enthusiasm, positive thinking and stuff like that, eh chaps? Jolly good! Cum wenibus portati sunt – that’s just nonsense but it sounds clever because it sounds Latin. Like me? Please?”

Despite the British clown’s assertions, the leader of the free world is apparently not as dumb as he looks and has turned down the initial approach from Beppo.

“I’m nowhere near as dumb as people tell me I look,” said the self-declared Braniac and fanny magnet, “I wouldn’t accept anyone’s first offer. We have to negotiate… That’s a big word and I know you press hounds are all as dumb as bricks (where have I heard that expression before?), so I’ll spell it out for you…Nuh… egg…oh…she…ate.”

The Commander-in-Chief then added, “I like Beppo. He reminds me of me before my mouth turned into the shape of a baboon’s behind. But I still want a discount. I’ll offer him fifty cents and we’ll probably settle for something mid point, begorrah! See! I’m talking Irish like a native already!”

Ex British Prime Minister and warmonger Tony Blair’s comments on the deal were, “The world’s gone mad.”

Ex US president and warmonger George W Bush commented, “Can I have my afternoon nap now?”

 
The No Reilly Factor

The No Reilly Factor

A$AP Rocky Released Before Having To Join Swedish Prison Gang 'The Blööds'

A$AP Rocky Released Before Having To Join Swedish Prison Gang 'The Blööds'