After Greenland Purchase Rebuffed, Trump Furious As Denmark Buys Manhattan For $1,050
Leader of the free world and self declared Braniac and fanny magnet Donald Trump was described as ‘spitting blood’ when, shortly after cancelling his planned trip to Denmark, he discovered that said country had concluded a secret deal with Congress to purchase Manhattan.
“The idea that these porn and booze obsessed Skandimonkeys can go behind my back and buy Manhattan is not only outrageous, but crazy. Goddamit, I own property there!” barked a furious Trump to a hastily assembled gathering of indifferent old-style journalists and a sprinkling of pre-pubescent bloggers.
When challenged by the cub reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano,’ on the president’s remarks that the Danes were heavy drinkers and into pornography, Trump snapped, “Who doesn’t have a picture of Mette Frederiksen in the nip doing ‘reverse cowgirl’ and gulping down a bottle of neat Vodka as their screensaver? Come on, guys? Tell the truth for once.”
When asked if he thought the whole ‘buying Manhattan’ thing could be an absurd joke at his expense, the president spat out, “Absurd? What does that mean? All I know is I received this terrible news in a text from one of our spies in Scandinavia. I can’t name him, obviously, but his name is Pingu. There!… I guess I shouldn’t have said that. Those Scandis’ll track him down now and no doubt there’ll be another diplomatic incident. His body will be found cut in two, each half either side of that big bridge they have over there.”
When the press pack had stopped laughing, and the president had stopped asking ‘what’s the joke, guys?’ A rather serious looking journalist form the New York Times asked the leader of the free world, “Don’t you think the precise sum apparently agreed for the sale of Manhattan suggests chicanery, hornswoggle, cozen and buffalo?”
After a few minutes of Trump looking at himself in a mirror, Trump turned and asked the journo, “Say, what? I’m not as dumb as I look, fellah. I’ve just checked.”
Alec Smart, the pressman, then pointed out to the cheeseball headed comb-over cretin, “Surely, Mr. President, it’s a parody of the Minuit purchase of Manhattan when the island was allegedly bought by the Dutch merchant Peter Schaghen for the Dutch East India Company in exchange for a heap of crap trinkets valued back then at $24. In current value this would translate to approximately $1,050. Don’t you get the joke?”
The president then reportedly lowered his mirror as his bottom lip started to quiver.
“Nobody makes a fool of America!” he then barked to the gathered pressmen.
“They’re not, Mr. President,” shouted out the representative from the UK gardening monthly magazine, ‘Thyme,’ “They’re making a fool out of you specifically, not that you need anyone else’s help there, Mr. President. You do a great job on your own, sir.”
“Thank you,” cried the president, “A journalist with something positive to say about me at last!”
The Commander-in-Chief then turned deadly serious, or his nearest equivalent, and leaned forward to whisper confidentially to the press pack, “This is highly secret, so don’t tell anyone fellas, but I have just issued instructions by Tweet to Nato for them to Nuke Denmark.”
However, when it was pointed out to the president that Denmark was a member of Nato, and that custom and practice to date within Nato is not to carry out nuclear attacks on any of its members, the president turned ugly (uglier?).
“Then I’m ordering a nuclear attack on Nato!” he barked, demanding that one of his aides show him precisely where Nato was on his globe-night light.
The general feeling amongst the press pack was that neither Denmark, or the as yet geographically unidentified country of Nato are in any great danger of imminent nuclear attack. It was time for the president’s afternoon nap and he would no doubt have forgotten this, his latest absurd idea, by the time he was woken.