UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Sans Regret

Sans Regret

My Twitter account was temporarily suspended because I called Bill O’Reilly a cracker. In fairness, I knew I was violating the Twitter rules. However, knowing this racist sex offender roams the earth violates my rules.

I called the racist sex offender a cracker because he tweeted this:

After failing to cripple Mr. Trump with charges of conspiring Russia to subvert the 2016 election, the race card has been dealt again. Now the President is a full-fledged “White Supremacist.” - Bill O’Reilly, 8/11/19

I replied several times with images of Trump’s racist tweets. I have a file full of them for just such an occasion. I called Bill the actual C-word in one of the trolling replies I posted. Oddly, that tweet didn’t get blocked, but cracker was a bridge too far. I know it was probably a Fox News viewer/cracker who reported my tweet, but I choose to believe that Bill himself read it and I got under his skin. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. In fact, it made me feel so good I logged into one of my other Twitter accounts and continued trolling Bill O’Reilly. I will not be silenced by a sex offending cracker.

Speaking of crackers, last week I was in West Virginia visiting family. My sister and I were traveling along Route 7 when we passed a sign in a yard which read, “Help President Trump Build The Wall.” We found this most ridiculous as Route 7 is literally in the middle of nowhere. And I’m not exaggerating. The people who live there have to drive an hour just to buy groceries. I’m completely baffled as to why the Route 7 people want or need the wall. Hispanics make up one percent of the population of West Virginia. And that’s rounding up.

Continuing down the road, we came across an area where someone actually mowed “TRUMP 2020” into the hillside. I made my sister pull over so I could get a picture. I didn’t think anyone would believe it if I didn’t have photographic evidence.

This brings me to my sister’s run in with a distant cousin. Though, I doubt said cousin will ever read this I’m changing her name to avoid a family feud. Because her real name is one of those definitive hillbilly names, I shall hereinafter refer to her as Ellie May.

Ellie May: Where are you living now?

Sis: Ashburn, VA

Ellie May: We lived in Manassas for three years. I hated it there because of all the Mexicans. Well, I don’t have to tell you. You know what they’re like.

Sis: No, I don’t. What are they like?

Ellie May: Well, I was at the laundromat one time and there were about seven of them in there. And they kept trying to talk to me.

And that was the whole story. Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to the Mexicans of the Manassas laundromat.

Dear Mexicans of the Manassas Laundromat,

I’m sorry my white trash cracker cousin mistook your genuine friendliness for an act of aggression.

Also, I know there’s a better than average chance you’re not even Mexican. My white trash cracker cousin assumes all brown people are Mexican.

So, just deepest apologies for my white trash cousin’s cracker ways to all people who frequent the Manassas laundromat .

Warm Regards,

Jennifer Loy

I’ve learned my use of the term, ‘white trash,’ has offended some people from my hometown. Please excuse me while I write an open letter of apology to White Trash.

Dear White Trash,

I am deeply sorry you were offended to learn of your white trashiness. Based on your public Facebook comments, which are all like, “#MAGA! Trump was sent by God to save us all from imaginary problems,” I foolishly assumed I couldn't possibly be the first to call you white trash.

However, since you're all Trump supporters who claim to be Christian, it is my duty as a snarky blogger to block the on-ramp to the moral high road you so clearly believe you're entitled to.

Ladies and Gentlemen and White Trash, I present to you the President of the United States:

“Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics-a tough subject-must be discussed.” - @realDonaldTrump, June 5, 2013

“How is ABC Television allowed to have a show entitled “Blackish”? Can you imagine the furor of a show, “Whiteish!” Racism at highest level?” - @realDonaldTrump, October 1, 2014

“Our great African America President hasn’t exactly had a positive impact on thugs who are so happily and openly destroying Baltimore!” - @realDonaldTrump, April 27, 2015

“Sadly, because Obama has done such a poor job as president, you won’t see another black president for generations!” - @realDonaldTrump, November 20, 2014

“An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama’s birth certificate is a fraud.” - @realDonaldTrump, August 6, 2012

I now see the error of my ways. From this day forward I shall follow the meritorious example set by our president and carry myself with the same grace and dignity.

So again, allow me to offer my sincerest apologies to those I offended. I'm terribly sorry you're so dumb. Deep down in the cockles of my heart lies a small place which takes pity on witless crackers. Unfortunately, the part which yearns to mercilessly ridicule them is dominant.

Best Wishes,

Jennifer Loy

 

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