The Kidney At The Heart Of The Matter
To quote Twitter user @RedTRacoon, “It doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says.” Chuck Todd tweeted the Mueller testimony was a disaster, like, during the opening statements. And that’s not very fair. The opening and closing statements are the most boring part of any hearing. Except for maybe the O.J. case. I’ve got to give it to Johnny Cochran. “If the glove doesn’t fit, you must acquit” — pretty snappy. Anyway, whether you watched the Mueller testimony or not, remember it doesn’t matter what Chuck Todd says. Thank you for your service, @RedTRacoon.
Despite the general prickishness of Chuck Todd, the Mueller testimony didn’t meet the dramatic hype leading up to it. The take away from the testimony is this: Robert Mueller is an old man. He did his job thoroughly. He submitted a comprehensive report. His job is done and he doesn’t wish to bothered further. Especially by people with the reading comprehension skills of an average five year-old.
Following Mueller’s testimony the news people kept repeating that this is an occasion where the book is better than the movie. No kidding. The book is almost always better than the movie. I read “The Da Vinci Code” in one night. Couldn’t put it down. But halfway through the movie I realized you can’t assume a movie is going to be good just because Tom Hanks is in it. Which is something I kind of knew after “Castaway,” but wasn’t quite ready to concede.
The main reason the democrats wanted Mueller to testify is sadly, most people haven’t read The Mueller Report. Most of the republicans who questioned Robert Mueller haven’t read The Mueller Report. It was painfully obvious to anyone who read The Mueller Report. If you haven’t yet read The Mueller Report, please do so now. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Also, please read it aloud so that everyone may hear. Perhaps, go to a park and do a dramatic reading for strangers.
The next day NBC went to some random diner in Wisconsin or wherever and asked people having breakfast if they thought the president should be impeached. One doughnut muncher said there was no sound bite from the Mueller hearing so we should just let the election sort it out. So that’s what we’re doing now. We’re governing by sound bites. Or as Johnny Cochran might say, “If there’s no sound bite, wait for election night.”
Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Doughnut Muncher.
Dear Doughnut Muncher,
The Watergate break in happened during Nixon’s first term. And he was re-elected.
And remember how no one, including Trump himself, believed Trump was going to be elected? Then it happened.
So don’t talk with your mouth full and your brain empty.
Also, you should eat better. Perhaps, have some Kellogg’s Raisin Bran as part of a complete breakfast.
As much as I hate to admit it, Doughnut Muncher may have a point. We need something flashy to get the attention of all the Doughnut Munchers out there. Remember the Facebook campaign to get Betty White to host SNL? I propose we start a campaign to get SNL to do a whole show acting out the Mueller report. And by “we” I mean someone reading this who knows how to start a Facebook campaign. Because I don’t. Also, see if you can get Betty White involved. I think if we get Betty White attached to this project more people will watch.