UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

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The Thunder Rolls

The Thunder Rolls

The Thunder Rolls is a song by Garth Brooks about a cheating husband. When it was released in the nineties, Brooks left out the third verse to make it more commercially viable. The third verse is what makes the song awesome. The wife shoots the cheating husband in the third verse. My admiration for the homicidal wife of this song may seem in direct opposition with my anti-gun stance. However, I'm anti-gun, not anti-murder. Some people have to die.

Nonetheless, inspired by Kellyanne Conway's creative use of Alternative Facts, I shall hereinafter refer to my conflicting feelings as Justified Hypocrisy. It is Unjustified Hypocrisy that The Thunder Rolls had to be censored to appease the same radio stations who didn't censor Johnny Cash when he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Speaking of thunder and cheating husbands, Stormy Daniels is on my mind due to the Mueller hearing. Last year, Stormy gave an interview to Anderson Cooper on 60 Minutes. I missed the interview because I was extremely busy clipping my toenails. Sure, I could go online and watch it, but clipping my toenails is my least favorite thing in the world to do, so... no. I did read the transcript of the interview because it was faster. And there were no commercials. And I didn't have to look at a porn star with her Jessica Rabbit boobs in my face. And Anderson Cooper is starting to annoy me lately. I think it started when he unfriended Kathy Griffin and replaced her with that jerk from Bravo I can't stand. And that jerk from Bravo reminds of this guy at work I can't stand. Anderson is kind of a jerk by association.

The whole Stormy Daniels thing caused me to feel some Justified Hypocrisy. I'm all for anything that takes Donald Trump down, but I'm also extremely anti-porn star. I'm sorry porn star ladies, but we have what my mom calls a Uterus Hat Revolution going on and you are not helping the cause.

Stormy said she wasn't attracted to Trump and didn't want to have sex with him, but felt obligated to screw him because she found herself in the same room with him.

Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Stormy Daniels.

Dear Stormy,

I never realized how much I learned from After School Specials until now. I guess you missed them because you were busy balling some pervy biology teacher. Allow me to share with you what I learned:

1. Just say no.

2. No means no.

3. Don't drink and drive.

4. Avoid Rob Lowe.

5. Avoid Chad Lowe.

Best Wishes,

Jennifer Loy

I also feel Justified Hypocrisy about presidential sex scandals. If at all possible I'd rather not know about them. When the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal broke I was pissed. I was also twenty-years-old and a more idealistic young woman than the cynical middle-aged woman I've become. I didn't care about the strong economy Clinton built or the balanced federal budget. I didn't care if they threw that creeper out of office. Good riddance, Creeper. I felt bad for Hillary. I felt bad for Chelsea. I even felt bad for Monica because she was young and naive and really believed Bill was in love with her. To this day I can't look at Bill Clinton without thinking about stained dresses and foreign objects in Monica's vulva.

My grandpa defended Bill Clinton by saying, “Let he who don't sin throw the first rock.” Misquoted Bible passages aside, he may have had a point. The blow-back from the Lewinsky scandal resulted in eight years of George W. Bush. Bush screwed the economy worse than Bill screwed Monica. When my company had a three year wage freeze that only applied to those of us who made the least amount of money, I realized I had more important things to worry about than what tobacco products are in Monica Lewinsky's vulva

It's really no surprise to anyone that Trump screwed a porn star. It's public knowledge he cheats on all his wives. The question is why did he go to such great lengths to squash this story? Reportedly, as soon as the Stormy story broke, Donnie immediately turned to one of his advisers and asked, “When did I marry Melania?”

“Raindrops on the windshield, there's a storm moving in

He's headin' back from somewhere, that he never should have been

And the thunder rolls...”

Unfortunately for Donnie, the adviser he posed that question to turned out to be none other than Melania herself. In all fairness, he can't be blamed for not recognizing her when he barely remembers marrying her.

“But on the wind and rain, a strange new perfume blows

And the lightnin' flashes in her eyes, and he knows that she knows

And the thunder rolls...”

Through my super special, top secret connections, I've obtained a copy of Donnie and Melania's pre-nup agreement. The following portion may explain why his attorney is currently doing time in a federal prison for his involvement in the cover-up.

“It is well known to the third Mrs. Trump, The Donald has cheated on the previous Mrs. Trumps with wild abandon. The Donald has expressed his desire to continue screwing whomever he pleases, whenever he pleases, wherever he pleases; even if the whomever he pleases has not consented to be screwed and is therefore, not pleased. The third Mrs. Trump has agreed to be cool about it, aside from the following stipulations:

1. The Donald must not allow his net worth to dip below one billion dollars at any time during the course of this marriage. If this should happen, The Donald immediately forfeits his right to screw the whomevers whenever he pleases.

2. Should the laws of this nation suddenly change allowing the The Donald to finally marry his daughter, Ivanka - not Tiffany - the third Mrs. Trump agrees to immediately dissolve the marriage. In exchange for this, the third Mrs. Trump will be awarded custody of Jared Kushner and the Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.

3. The Donald agrees to abstain from extramarital screwing when and if the third Mrs. Trump is experiencing any of the following conditions:

a.) Pregnancy

b.) Childbirth

c.) Postpartum Depression

d.) Seasonal Affective Disorder

e.) Vomiting or Diarrhea

f.) Toenail Fungus

Failure to do so will allow the third Mrs. Trump to immediately dissolve the marriage and maintain possession of the following marital assets:

a.) Mar-A-Lago

b.) Golf Clubs

c.) Five billion of the ten billion dollars The Donald doesn't actually have because he's not worth crap.

d.) Trump Tower

e.) The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire.

In addition, the third Mrs. Trump will retain custody of Jared, Ivanka and Barron. The Donald will retain custody of Don Jr., Eric and the other girl.”

I was unable to determine if Melania is currently exploring her options with The Ivanka Trump Handbag Empire Clause in light of the Stormy Daniels affair. Regardless, I would like to advise Melania of another option. An option found in the censored third verse of The Thunder Rolls.

“She runs back down the hallway, and through the bedroom door

She reaches for the pistol, kept in the dresser drawer

Tells the lady in mirror, he won't do this again

'Cause tonight will be the last time, she'll wonder where he's been

And the thunder rolls...”

 

The Kidney At The Heart Of The Matter

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