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President Trump Lied About Having A Girlfriend In The 6th Grade

President Trump Lied About Having A Girlfriend In The 6th Grade

CNN, in a recent investigative report, discovered that President Donald J. Trump lied about having a girlfriend for several weeks during the spring semester of his sixth grade year.

According to the report, the lie started when he was asked at a sleepover slumber party for Johnny Pemberton’s birthday whether or not he had a girlfriend. He grabbed his flashlight in the dark room, showed it on his face for emphasis, and said, “Yes”, indicating that yes indeed he had a girlfriend.

The boys at the party, whom he all went to school with, asked “who”? He hesitated, knowing that they knew every girl he did. They could ask whichever girl he named on Monday if what he was saying was true. This would expose him right away as a liar.

“Shirley McFallister...you don’t know her,” Trump said.

“Where does she go to school?” the other boys prodded.

“She goes to school in Colorado, I met her on Christmas vacation, we’ve already kissed,” Donald Trump said.

When the boys asked to see a picture, Trump said “sure wait”, then two days later showed them something that really honestly looked like it came out of a magazine.

“This is her, and she said she wants to do it with me,” Trump said.

After uncovering this story, CNN investigative reporters dug deep to see, if, in fact, there was a Shirley McCalister in Colorado at the time, who might have dated Donald J. Trump when he was 12 years old.

They verified that indeed Donald J. Trump’s family had vacationed in Aspen, Colorado when Donald was 12. After going through all of the Shirley McCalisters alive in Colorado at the time, the only Shirley McCallister was a maid at the Four Seasons Hotel in Aspen. She did work there during the time the Trump family stayed there, but she would have been 68 at the time.

Democratic Presidential hopefuls took turns reacting to this news.

Former Vice President Joe Biden said, “If I had known Trump and Shirley Macfallister at that time, I would have taken them both behind the bleachers and beat up Shirley and kissed Donald J. Trump...I mean… wait a second. . . “

Sen. Bernie Sanders said, “It’s a shame when a man has to lie about his sex life….if a man lies about his sex life what else is he going to lie about?! Taxes? Iran? A man should be honest about his sex life. For example, if I was to tell you that I-” Sanders was promptly cut off by one of his aides who ushered him off briskly to another appointment.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren said, “I wish I could go back and kiss Donald J. Trump in the sixth grade, if it would have stopped him from turning into the evil villain we know today.”

Representative Beto O’ Rourke said “Oh yeah, Shirly Mcfallister from Colorado, who you met on winter break, I dated her, for a while too, you see, I had big teeth back then and it was a while before I myself had a real girlfriend.”

Mayor Pete Buttegeig said, “Believe me, I know the feeling of having to invent a girlfriend...fast!”

Sen. Kamala Harris said, “In effect, Shirley was Trump’s first real victim, a candle-light vigil for Shirley Mcfallister…..”

 

Photo by nrkbeta  ||  CC-BY-2.0

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