UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Twenty candidates. Two nights. One snarky blogger. Coverage of the 2020 Democratic Debates, brought to you by Jennifer Loy, begins now.

If you didn’t watch the debates, don’t worry. I’ll tell you everything you need to know.

If you did watch the debates and didn’t come to the obvious conclusion that you should be throwing your full support behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren, don’t worry. I’ll explain to you why you’re wrong. I’ll even try not to be condescending about it.

Night One - The Candidates

Bill de Blasio

Tim Ryan

Julian Castro

Cory Booker

Elizabeth Warren

Beto O’Rourke

Amy Klobuchar

Tulsi Gabbard

Jay Inslee

The Bald Guy Who Annoyed Me So Much I Refuse To Learn His Name

Some thought Bill de Blasio had career defining breakout moments. Others thought he was horrible and did major harm to his campaign. I think he’s never going to be president anyway, so he’s not worth talking about.

The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn kept interrupting. That annoyed me. Therefore, I refuse to learn his name.

Tim Ryan has crazy eyes and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he said.

Beto O’Rourke spoke Spanish, which prompted a whole Spanish speaking throw down. Julian Castro was all like, “White dude’s not going to out Spanish me. Me llamo Julian Castro, idiota.” (Google tells me idiota is how you say idiot in Spanish. If it’s wrong it’s because Google is an idiot).

This gave Cory Booker the overwhelming need to throw down some Spanish. And it was painfully obvious Cory also learns Spanish from Google. It was muy bad.

Beto O’Rourke and Julian Castro then got into it over immigration. And Julian Castro was all like, “No one’s trying to build a wall to keep the Irish out, White Dude. Me llamo Julian Castro, idiota.”

Jay Inslee claimed to be the only person on the stage who has ever fought for a woman’s right to choose. And Amy Klobuchar totally owned him. She held up her arm in a “talk to the hand” kind of way and said, “I want to say there are three women up here who fought pretty hard for a woman’s right to choose.” Way to be a boss, Amy. For that moment alone she’s climbed to third place on my rankings, just behind Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren.

Tulsi Gabbard is a veteran. When the topic got around to war she was able to silence the men by saying, “I’m the only one on this stage who has ever been to war.” And because it’s true, no one could Amy Klobuchar her. Way to be a boss, Tulsi. For this reason alone, she’s climbed to fourth place on my rankings, just behind Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren and Amy Klobuchar.

Elizabeth Warren was the front runner of the candidates on Night One and no one dared take her on. Which showed good judgment on their part. Because you better be able to back it up if you challenge Elizabeth Warren or she will destroy you. Not once did she interrupt anyone or attempt to speak Spanish. Because Elizabeth Warren isn’t insecure. Which is good because the current president is insecure and it’s muy bad.

My favorite Elizabeth Warren moment came when she was asked if she had a plan to take on Mitch McConnell. She answered, “Yes.” And the crowd cheered. Because with that one word you knew she meant it. She had an “I’ll cut a prick if I have to” kind of look in her eye. And that really moved me as a voter and as someone who daydreams about cutting pricks.

The time each person spoke was calculated after the debate. NBC moderator Chuck Todd spoke more than Elizabeth Warren. And there were four other moderators. Please excuse me while I write an open letter to Chuck Todd.

Dear Chuck,

Everybody hates you.

Kind Regards,

Jennifer Loy

Night Two – The Candidates

Marianne Williamson

John Hickenlooper

Andrew Yang

Pete Buttigieg

Joe Biden

Bernie Sanders

Kamala Harris

Kirsten Gillibrand

Michael Bennet

Eric Swalwell

You may be wondering, “Who is Marianne Williamson?” I wondered the same thing. Curiosity forced me to Google her and I learned she is the author of such works as, "Enchanted Love" and "Emma & Mommy Talk To God." She provided some much needed, yet unintended, comic relief. Her closing statement went something like this:

“Donald Trump, you are filled with hate. I will destroy you with a mixture of essential oils, healing crystals, moonbeams and hoodoo candles. But did you that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?”

John Hickenlooper can’t be president because you can’t say President Hickenlooper without laughing.

Andrew Yang is some rich tech guy no one’s ever heard of. He’s running on a platform to provide every adult in America with an extra income of one thousand dollars a month. That comes to over thirty-nine billion dollars a year. His plan to raise all that money was hard to follow, but I think it has something to do with selling Avon.

Michael Bennet is goofy looking and I found that too distracting to pay attention to anything he had to say.

Kirsten Gillibrand spent the whole evening interrupting like The Bald Guy Whose Name I Refuse To Learn.

No matter what Bernie Sanders was asked, he managed to work both Wall Street and Medicare For All into the answer. I found this to be both impressive and boring.

This is Joe Biden’s third time running for president, which led to the following exchange.

Biden was all like, “I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation.”

And Eric Swalwell was all like, “You’re living in the past. It’s a new generation.”

Then Mayor Pete was all like, “I’m the youngest. I’ll take it from here. I’ve never been afraid of any deviation.”

Then Bernie Sanders was all like, “Shut up, you little punk. I’m the oldest. The world’s in trouble. There’s no communication.”

Then Kamala Harris was all like, “Knock it off or I will turn this car around.”

And that was the end of that. Way to be a boss, Kamala.

Mayor Pete is embroiled in controversy because a black man was killed by a white police officer in his city. Mayor Pete was previously embroiled in controversy because a black police officer was fired after he filed a complaint about racism on the force. Mayor Pete was asked why all this racist crap keeps happening under his watch. And he was all like, “Look, I’m kind of incompetent. And I don’t give a damn ‘bout my reputation. Never said I wanted to improve my station. So we’ll investigate or whatever. Vote for me.”

This prompted four white people to jump in and share their thoughts on racism. Then Kamala Harris began to speak and Chuck Todd was all like, “Whoa, it’s not your turn.” And Kamala said, “As the only black person on this stage, I’d like speak on the issue of race.”

I knew I had just witnessed a truly historic and empowering moment. I’ll never forget the moment Kamala Harris silenced Chuck Todd. For that moment alone she’s climbed to first place on my rankings, ahead of Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar and Tulsi Gabbard.

If you don’t keep up with the news you may need a little background on what follows.

In the weeks leading up to the debate, Joe Biden fondly reminisced about the seventies. He was all like, “There were a lot of segregationists in the senate back then. But they were polite and well mannered. We were able to work together and come to an understanding. We decided it was best not to mandate the busing of African American children to white schools. And instead, allow each school district to integrate when they felt like it. In a more organic fashion. And in the end it all worked out. Obama.”

Despite this, America still loves the crap out of Joe Biden. So he was given ample opportunities to redeem himself before the debate. But for reasons known only to him, he didn’t.

So this happened.

Kamala was all like, “Joe, you’re cool, but you’ve been kind of prick lately. I was a kid in the seventies and I was bused to school. Apologize for siding with the well mannered segregationists or I will end you.”

And Biden was all like, “I wasn’t against busing. I voted against mandated busing because you can only push segregationists so far. But African American children were free to go Greyhound to get to white schools. Of course, without mandated busing the schools weren’t forced to integrate. What I’m trying to say is, you know, take the bus or don’t take the bus. Go Greyhound and leave the driving to us. It’s all good.”

And Kamala was all like, “I must break you.”

And Biden was all like, “Obama. Is my time up?”

And Kamala was all like, “Oh yeah, your time’s up.”

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

Elizabeth Warren Announces Rachel Dolezal As Her 2020 Running Mate

Elizabeth Warren Announces Rachel Dolezal As Her 2020 Running Mate

It's A Hard Knock Life

It's A Hard Knock Life