UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

It's A Hard Knock Life

It's A Hard Knock Life

Sarah Fabian is an attorney for the Office of Immigration Litigation. A video of Sarah in court, ineffectively arguing against the benefits of providing soap to children, went viral last weekend. A link to the video was sent to me by a friend, along with a two word directive: Finish Her.

Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Sarah Fabian in which, I will indeed, Finish Her.

Dear Sarah,

Was your mother one of those teen moms who gave birth in a bathroom stall, then dropped you in a Dumpster so she could go back to the prom? Then Baby Sarah was discovered by a janitor and dropped off at a fire station, where you were then turned over to foster care, then went through a series of trailer trash foster parents like the girl in “White Oleander?” Because that’s the only reasonable scenario I can come up with to explain how you turned out cartoonishly evil.

Or are you just terminally stupid? Who thinks to cover children in aluminum foil? Did you just confuse where you heard the aluminum foil idea? Like maybe your mother, or trailer trash foster parent, said something to you about aluminum foil once and you were only half listening, and what you thought were childcare instructions were actually directions for baking a casserole.

Or perhaps you’re just greedy and selfish. Are you afraid the price of soap and toothbrushes will cut into your six figure salary? This is the richest nation in the world and we can’t buy a toothbrush? Dentists are literally giving them away. I’m past due for a cleaning and my dentist is seriously stalking me. I’m sure I could negotiate a handful a toothbrushes in exchange for allowing the dentist to remove my plaque as he so desperately wants to.

In a nation where dog beds is a thriving industry, you can’t provide better sleeping conditions for children than concrete floors accompanied by florescent lighting.

Speaking of dogs, Sarah, this isn’t the first time you’ve made the news for something stupid. Last summer, you were supposed to appear in court for litigation on the reunification of families separated at the border. You told a federal judge you were unavailable because you had to go to Colorado to dog sit. Children in your care died while you were taking care of someone else’s dog. And now, not only am I furious at the way you treat children, I have to worry about the dog’s safety as well.

Eight year-olds are changing diapers. When a second grader recognizes the immediate needs of a baby and you don’t, it should really suggest to you that you’re in the wrong line of work. Although, I don’t know what line of work is good for a child neglecting, dog abusing, senseless, self-indulgent, waste of a human organism her white trash mother should have aborted with a rusty coat hanger.

Warm Wishes,

Jennifer Loy

I know the rusty coat hanger thing may be a bit harsh, but Sarah throws infants in cages to die in their own filth. Sarah may get her feelings hurt, but to quote the First Lady’s wardrobe, “I really don’t care. Do you?”

 

Photo by Eva Rinaldi | CC-BY-2.0

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