‘Letters From Llanaber’ Author David Smith Goes Into Hiding As Trump Announces Impromptu Visit To West Wales
Horrendous news! The leader of the free world, notorious adulterer and porn star hush money payer president Donald Trump has announced that his UK tour schedule has been amended to include a whistle stop visit to Llanaber, our tiny village on the west coast of Wales.
As village Foreign Secretary it would be my job to ‘meet and greet’ the cheese ball headed self-declared fanny magnet, Braniac and anorexia denier. This I could not do for the following three reasons:
a) I can’t stand the thought of being in the same room as the cock happy loud-mouthed liar. I specifically refer here to his Meghan Markle comment during a recorded interview where the delusional idiot referred to the royal as ‘nasty’ then blatantly denied ever saying this despite being played the recording of him saying it – He makes my flesh crawl.
b) He has made statements to the press that are an unacceptable and unwelcome interference in our 2020 elections that threaten to undermine UK democracy, and…
c) I know he’s read my books (Letters from Llanaber 1 and 2 – both collections of the village newsletters that I have published over the last two years), and he’s likely to order the heavies that go everywhere with the comb over cretin to bash my face in if we meet.
I am a very unhappy man, dear reader. I am writing this village newsletter from inside the kennel that erstwhile was the residence of my faithful (if somewhat smelly) Bloodhound, Comey. The poor creature has been forced by me to abandon his home so that I can hide inside it until after Trump’s visit.
The dumb critter (Comey, not Trump) is now forced to sleep inside the house in my queen-sized bed alongside my lady wife. Comey is a very friendly and loyal creature but can become territorial, and I know I’ll have a fight on my hands with the smelly dumb brute (again Comey, not Trump) when the whole palaver is over and the fat slobbering waste of skin (Trump, not Comey) sods off back to where he came from.
It came as a shock to me when I turned up for work at the village council offices this morning at my usual time of 6:00am. The head of the village council and my esteemed leader, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim was standing at the front door of the building waiting for me. I knew there was bad news in the offing straight away as she had a long string of news feed ticker tape dangling from her hand. The old bag thrust it out towards me as soon as I’d parked my bicycle in the council bike rack.
“Read this then get your sorry ass up to my office straight away,” she barked at me before turning on her heels and flouncing into the building. I slowly read what was on the ticker tape (I’m a slow reader). My heart did more than sink. It hit the floor, bounced in the air a few times than disappeared into my bowels to hide. I reproduce the contents for you below verbatim:**
‘In a sudden and unexpected change to the schedule for the UK visit of Donald Trump it has been announced that the president will make a short stop at the tiny West Wales coastal village of Llanaber. There he will be hosted by the smartest politician the planet Earth has ever seen (with the exception of Donald Trump himself) Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim.
His itinerary for this visit includes the following:
1. Visit to the Llanaber mountainside golf course for 18 holes of downhill ‘fog-golf’ with ‘Binky’
2. Visit to Druidellau village. There, Trump will have lunch with the head of the Druish community, Benjy Yahoo, and discuss the very reasonable and fair treatment meted out by the Druids towards the Travelers. Trump and Yahoo will sign a deal for the purchase by the Druids from the US of better quality big sticks to beat the Travelers’ kids with.
3. Visit to the border between Llanaber and the failing village to its south, Spanibont. There, Trump will discuss with Mrs. Trim the increasing problem of Spanibont ‘rowdies’ crossing the border into Llanaber. Trump and Mrs. Trim will sign a deal for the purchase of materials from the US to construct a long fence three feet high made entirely of wood and nails to stretch the entire length of the border between the two villages. The invoice for the fence will be sent to the boss of Spanibont for payment.
4. Visit to the amusement arcade on the Llanaber seafront for a summit meeting with the representative of the Rufflotians in Llanaber, the ‘beast from the east’ Putin Lotzadosh. There, Trump and Putin will sign a contract for the supply of a new tube of superglue to stick more pennies in place on the Rufflotian’s crooked ‘penny falls’ slot machine. Following this, Putin will give Mr. Trump a guided tour of Bogbourne, the quicksand-ridden swamp where Llanaber keeps its ‘out of datecode’ old people and Putin keeps his collection of life sized model tanks, gunboats and missiles.
5. Visit the Llanaber parish council offices. There the president will supervise his security team of muscle-bound thugs in the ‘re-education’ of the Llanaber Foreign Secretary (and author of the scurrilous and defamatory ‘pack of lies’ book, Letters from Llanaber), David Smith.
6. Visit the Llanaber village hospital where Trump will meet the head of the village hospital, Dr. Mengele, for a display of wound stitching and broken limbs re-setting.
7. (See below)
President Trump will then depart for London where he is scheduled to interfere in the election of a new UK Prime Minister by ignoring the haggard old has-been Theresa May and singing the praises of another cock-happy liar, Boris Johnson. Following this, he and his robotic ‘lingerie model potential’ wife Melanie will visit Buckingham Palace where Trump will allow Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II to kiss his butt.’
** N.B. It should be noted that the entire ticker tape was rather oddly hand written (as opposed to the usual printed) and in hand writing suspiciously similar to Binky’s spidery scrawl, but I daren’t take the risk that it isn’t a fake.
I have omitted one item of the president’s itinerary for his Llanaber visit. I have to steel myself before I can bring myself to write it down, it is so outrageous. In a clear and blatant attempt to interfere with the free and fair electoral system we have here in Llanaber, Trump has spoken out with his endorsement of Mrs. Trim in the race for the 2020 election of a new council leader here.
It is only now, after I have consumed a pint of the local brew ‘journey into space,’ that I can find the backbone to tell you what was also written on the ticker tape. There are no words to describe the effrontery to democracy that his planned actions will be, if carried out. This is what the president’s last act will be before leaving our village:
7. ‘Meet the Electorate’ Walkabout: The president will walk through the village accompanied by Mrs. Trim. The president will visit the enormous sinkhole tourist attraction in the centre of the village high street. There, he will converse freely with the citizens of Llanaber as they try to squeeze round it. The president will tell them old Thomas the gravedigger is a useless bag of dottle and order them to vote for the superior candidate, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, in the upcoming 2020 elections for leader of the Llanaber village council.
When it comes to someone who is an out-and-out crook and thoroughly bad egg barefaced and unashamedly endorsing someone who is an out-and-out crook and thoroughly bad egg, I live in fear for the survival of democracy.
I also live in fear for the survival of my front teeth if Trump gets his hands on me. I know he’s read ‘Letters from Llanaber,’ and has seen all the derogatory things I’ve written in it about him and the bunch of unsavoury butt lizards that hang out of his ass. I know the cheese ball headed sack of sheep dottle has a long memory and bears grudges.
It may be rough on my faithful smelly old Bloodhound Comey for a few days, but I’m keeping my head down in this dog kennel till Trump and his thugs have pissed off back to where they came from.
That’s it for now.
Photo by G20 Argentina | CC-BY-2.0