Louisiana Bill To Force Women To Give Souls To Cthulhu
Following states like Alabama and Ohio’s lead in more restrictive laws on birth control and abortion, Louisiana is determined to follow suit but, in its own unique way. Deciding to skip over the physical limitations that are cursed upon humanity, Louisiana has brought down a bill that would force women to give their souls over to Cthulhu. With all the debates over a woman’s right to make decisions for her own body versus the right of someone else to make decisions for said woman’s body, the Louisiana state government has decided to remove themselves from the equation, indefinitely.
While this is certainly an unorthodox approach to state legislature, it has most certainly gotten a most interesting response from the constituents, according to one state capitol intern. “Most of the residents in the state are fine with it. Polls say they can’t really tell the difference between state government and a malevolent creature with no oversight.”
And the polls don’t lie. Over 75 percent of voters said they would be fine with Cthulhu, the cultish monster of folklore, owning half of the state’s souls. The biggest question that most Louisianan’s seemed to have was about their taxes, or really if there would be an increase. While neither Republican nor Democratic parties could say that taxes would increase, they also could not say if there would even be taxes anymore because Cthulhu was not as interested in material goods as much as the invaluable and everlasting soul.
This bipartisan plan in a blood red state is historical and if nothing else, admirable for getting people from across the aisle to come together, as a united nation in holding back the country. Representatives from both parties have formed an alliance in order to call the Great Old One from the cold depths where he slumbers. Once awoken, Cthulu will be brought to a crawfish boil, and if he agrees, the deal will be sealed with Bubba’s gumbo.