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Joe Biden And Queen Elizabeth II Heat The Atlantic Ocean To A Boil With Their Tawdry Affair

Joe Biden And Queen Elizabeth II Heat The Atlantic Ocean To A Boil With Their Tawdry Affair

The Federal Bureau of Investigation has discovered direct messages between two Twitter accounts that connect 2020 Presidential Candidate Joe Biden to Queen Elizabeth II in a very interesting way.

“They’re...sleeping together,“ said FBI Agent Mitch McClurry, who is in charge of the investigation.

McClurry made this discovery after being assigned to monitor a secret Twitter account, linked directly to Queen Elizabeth, that had been savagely trolling President Donald Trump, @sassyclaptrap22.

While monitoring @sassyclaptrap22, McClurry noticed an awful lot of messages from another twitter account, @QB2Bidinthyme. McClurry eventually traced this account to the IP address at former Vice President Joe Biden’s personal residence in Delaware.

The DMs between each account revealed something to McClurry.

“Joe Biden and the Queen of England, Elizabeth II, have been...indulging in an extramarital affair ever since they met during a deer-hunting expedition in 2013 just outside of London. Biden was on a goodwill trip as vice president at the time. There must have been something special in the air that spring.

“The good news is that, based on all of my training and my instincts and my 25 years in the bureau and having been married twice, I can say with full confidence that presidential candidate Joe Biden and Queen Elizabeth are very much...in love….and the sex is legendary.

“Here is one DM they exchanged….

Dear Joe,

Are you going to smack my fanny?!

Signed

Lilliput

“Now, I can’t say for sure which, eh hm, whether we are meant to take that as the American version of the fanny or the eh hm...English!” Mclurry said, cleaning his glasses with a towel,“ but the passion in these DMs gives me hope!

"Here’s another one:

Dear Joe,

Who is this Lucy Flores? You must love her if you are kissing the back of her head, I thought that you saved that for me… am I stupid to love you?

Dear Elizabeth,

Look, normally what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, it is an ancient American law, and Lucy broke it, she will be prosecuted accordingly!

Love,

Former Vice President to be President Full of Vices

Dear Joe,

This woman you like, what was she again? An assemblywoman? How cute, what do you have to do to become an assemblywoman in America? Get one hundred signatures and sell some cookies? And where in the bloody hell is Nevada? (Queenly guffaws)! Nevada? They have more teeth in parts of northern Scotland, do you understand?! Nevada?!

How horny are you Joe? You didn’t listen to those tapes I gave to you of me reading the sports page to satiate you? I know how that turns you on, but apparently this time it didn’t do the trick! Trick with a hard T, and an I through the nose, trick!

If Daddy says pretty please I will send a recording of me saying "Colin Kaepernick".

Dear Elizabeth,

Look, if it makes you feel any better, she really didn’t smell that good in the back of her hair. Paul Mitchell hairspray, I was hoping for something more exotic, like coconut oil, you know me.

And yes, send me a recording of you saying “Colin Kaepernick" but I would like to make a special request. I would love it if you could make it a little longer this time, record yourself saying this: "Colin Kaepernick got picked for the sixth time today by the Minnesota Vikings' brick wall defense despite laborious efforts on behalf of their right guard Jordan Bartholemu Brunswick”, in your accent of course, that would really turn me on.

And know your hair smells much better than Lucy Flores'.

DEAR Joe,

What does it smell like?

Dear Elizabeth

English Breakfast …. Ha ha ha!

Dear Joe,

Do you realize that in terms of human hierarchy, in terms of the pissing order amongst us all... I am second to God?!

Dear Elizabeth,

Come on babe, easy, that’s what the Americans call a joke! Your hair smells like summer and autumn, forever, youth, splendor….the first time I dove from the big tree at summer camp and won the respect of the elders, baseball games, boy scout trips….

My Dearest Joe,

What if we got divorces, and you won the presidency and I became first lady of America, my god, that's reason enough to throw yourself into the Thames with a bowling ball in your lap…I would have to buy a truck and spit tobacco...and a flannel hat and own a freakin’ rifle if I moved to America.

Or, you could move over here. I could knight you, and you could hunt foxes all day in the north.

Dear Elizabeth

I love a good fur hunt, you fox...wo...you make me feel like a shirtless character in a movie defusing a bomb in a submarine, or a train, after I have slapped the doctor who tried to treat a six-inch deep cut on the side of my stomach. Will you drink my sweat?

Dear Joe,

Through a straw, my public school boy who could have never met daddy!

Henry the 8th had passages that went for miles underground to Westminster Palace for secrets like you.

After our last love-making session, I dub you sloppy, sloppy joe!

Dear Elizabeth,

That’s right baby. I would like to measure my manhood in centimeters and have you give me the results in that accent of yours….

Dear Joe,

Do you realize that your dentures are now whiter than the U.S. House of Representatives?

Dear Elizabeth,

My queen, you have imminent domain over….my pelvic region...Remind me again what the protocol is for entering through the rear.

Dear Joe,

Do you remember that evening in the dew? While we were hunting for the doe, that majestic doe, and I almost tripped in the moss and you grabbed my elbow with such power and kindness…my God man….

Dear Elizabeth

That is one day I will never forget!

McClurry wiped the sweat off his brow after finishing reading DMs.

"If you will excuse me, I have to go to the restroom," Mclurry said, blushing.

 
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