UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Reading Is Fundamental

Reading Is Fundamental

Sean Hannity once said, “If Fox News had been around in the seventies, Nixon wouldn’t have had to resign.” And he said it proudly as if Nixon had suffered the unwarranted indignity of having to resign under false allegations. Now please excuse me while I write an open letter to Fox News Viewers.

Dear Fox News Viewers,

What does it take to get through to you?

Kind Regards,

Jennifer Loy

The moment The Mueller Report was released Sean Hannity declared it a victory for Trump and demanded apologies from the FBI, democrats, and Woodward and Bernstein.

Unlike Sean Hannity, I actually read The Mueller Report. I know Sean Hannity didn’t read it because his name was mentioned three times and I’m pretty sure he’d be whining about it if he knew.

Volume I of The Mueller Report covers the Russian interference in the 2016 election. While describing how Russia created fake social media accounts to influence the election, Mueller named some of the more high profile people who were fooled by Russian Twitter bots. And retweeted fake information to their millions of followers. Those named were Donald Trump, Donald Trump, Jr. and Sean Hannity.

Sean Hannity was the only “journalist” who didn’t find a tweet in broken English suspicious. Somehow, members of the Lame Street Media weren’t duped by tweets such as:

“We are “Gathering of the Good People” Just A American #DonaldTrump #Trump2016 You’re A American #realdonaldtrump America First #1”

Volume II of The Mueller Report covers the obstruction of justice case against Donald Trump. The June 9, 2016 Trump Tower meeting between Donald Trump, Jr., Jared Kushner, Paul Manafort and Russians claiming to have dirt on Hillary Clinton was discussed in great detail. Reince Priebus stated under oath that he learned of the meeting when Sean Hannity told him about it. This begs the question how did Sean Hannity know about the meeting before the president’s chief of staff? Could Hannity be a stellar investigative journalist who will stop at nothing to uncover the truth even if it’s detrimental to his president/BFF? The report does not answer this question, but I’m going to say no.

Volume II also discusses the Trump Tower Moscow project in great detail. Trump’s former attorney, Michael Cohen, is now in a federal prison for lying to congress about the project. While drafting his lies, with the aid of the president’s legal counsel, Cohen mentioned they could easily be proven false because he’d spoken about the Trump Tower Moscow project on Sean Hannity’s radio show. Trump’s counsel was all like, “Don’t worry about it. Trump loves you. You’ll be taken care of.”

Sean Hannity consistently defends Trump on his nightly Fox broadcast, crying of a broken justice system and a witch hunt gone afoul of the constitution. Now please excuse me while I write another open letter to Fox News viewers.

Dear Fox News Viewers,

Seriously. What does it take to get through to you?

Warm Wishes,

Jennifer Loy

If you don’t have time to read the full Mueller Report you can skip Volume I. Most of what’s in it is already public knowledge and what isn’t public knowledge has been redacted. I shall share with you the two most important things I learned in Volume I.

First, the Russians hired some dude to dress up as Santa, wear a Trump mask and walk around New York City. This isn’t so much important as it is creepy. And since reading it I’ve had some really messed up dreams. And I don’t think I should be the only one bothered by this. So live with that image in your head.

Second, Mueller decided not to indict Donald Trump, Jr. and Jared Kushner for the Trump Tower meeting because in order to do so he would need to prove they willfully and knowingly broke the law. Mueller didn’t think it possible to convince a grand jury that Don Jr. and Kushner possess basic human intelligence.

Volume II is where it gets good. All the crazy impeachable stuff is in Volume II. For instance, we all know Trump was super irked because Jeff Sessions recused himself from the Russia investigation. Trump tried to get him to “unrecuse” several times. “Unrecuse” is in quotation marks because it’s not a word. But that didn’t stop Trump from saying it. Several times. Sessions was unresponsive to Trump’s requests that he “unrecuse.” It is not known if his lack of response was due to legal reasons or if he simply didn’t know the definition of a word that does not exist.

With no response from Sessions, Trump called upon one of his most loyal sycophants, Corey Lewandowski. Lewandowski was Trump’s campaign manager from the beginning of the campaign through June 20, 2016. His most notable accomplishments during that time were physically assaulting a female reporter and physically assaulting a protester.

Trump summoned Lewandowski to the Oval Office and demanded he set up a meeting with Sessions. He was told to order Sessions to “unrecuse,” end the Russia investigation and open an investigation on Hillary Clinton. Trump directed Lewandowski to fire Jeff if he refused to meet with him. I found this to be the most enlightening part of the whole report. I had no idea a private citizen had the power to fire the Attorney General. Please excuse me while I write a termination letter to William Barr.

Dear Attorney General Barr,

Due to several false and misleading statements you’ve made to the American people, it has come to my attention you may be obstructing justice in the obstruction of justice case against the President of the United States. In legal terms I believe this is known as Double Obstruction or General Douchebaggery. In any event, I have no choice but to terminate your employment as Attorney General of the United States effective immediately.

Please be assured the president still loves you and will take care of you, just as he has taken care of other former employees who are currently serving federal prison sentences.

Good luck in all you future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Private Citizen, Jennifer Loy

 

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