UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

You're A Wonder, Wonder Woman

You're A Wonder, Wonder Woman

Parents of America, please stop telling your children anyone can grow up to be president. Sure, it's important to be supportive and encouraging, but filling your children's heads with delusions of grandeur isn't helpful. The last three years have proven it can be absolutely terrifying. There is nothing wrong with telling your child he or she can grow up to be mayor. Of a small town. And nothing more.

With no prior experience, Donald Trump decided he is qualified to hold the highest office in our nation. Then he surrounded himself with the “best” people who brought a vast array of experience from all branches of government. In Trump’s America, the three branches of government are Reality Shows, Exxon Mobil and the WWE.

Trump also appointed former rival and inexperienced presidential candidate Ben Carson as the Emperor of HUD or whatever. Dr. Carson’s previous accomplishments are separating conjoined twins and the attempted murder of his mother.

The attempted murder of Ben Carson’s mother reminds me of Carly Fiorina. I had almost completely forgotten about her. She ran for president in 2016 with literally no accomplishments to speak of. She was forced to step down as the CEO of Hewlett Packard. She ran a failed senate campaign before running a failed presidential campaign. Then Ted Cruz named her as his running mate one week before his presidential campaign failed. Poor Carly. If only she had the blood lust of her male counterparts. Then maybe a TV movie starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. would be made about her life.

Regardless, I suddenly feel inspired by Trump, Carson and Poor Carly. Why should I let a total lack of any applicable skills stop me from following my dreams? It's time for me to embark on new opportunities no matter how stupid they are.

Implausible Career Option:

Astronaut

Qualifications:

As a child I watched Mr. Wizard's World every day on Nickelodeon. I would have done the experiments along with the show, but my mom wouldn't let me because she said I'd make a mess. She wouldn't even let me try the one I wanted to do the most, which was using a pencil to make a record play. She was afraid I'd scratch one of the many records she never played. If it weren't for my mom I'd be an astronaut today. Crap. Parents of America, forget everything I said before.

Implausible Career Option:

Supermodel

Qualifications:

Everyone knows supermodels are tall and thin. I'm five-feet and four-and-a-half-inches tall. That's a full half-inch taller than the average female height. I weigh one-hundred-and-something-pounds, so we can check off thin.

Implausible Career Option:

Doctor

Qualifications:

I once cured a case of the hiccups. The afflicted was my roommate and I'm happy to report she has since made a full recovery. Aside from her recent gall bladder surgery, asthma, mild anxiety, and a back thing, she's in perfect health.

If you or someone you love suffers from hiccups, please contact me for a free consultation today.

Implausible Career Option:

Wonder Woman

Qualifications:

I can do the Lynda Carter spin while simultaneously taking my hair down and my glasses off. I've been practicing for years. Also, I have an invisible jet and you can't prove I don't.

Implausible Career Option:

Pimp

Qualifications:

I'll cut a trick if I don't get my money.

 

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

The Pointed Pen: Wing And A Prayer

The Pointed Pen: Wing And A Prayer

Richard Spencer Launches 'White Nationalist Geographic' Channel, PewDiePie Signs Exclusive Contract

Richard Spencer Launches 'White Nationalist Geographic' Channel, PewDiePie Signs Exclusive Contract