White House Down
It may come as no surprise to learn Trump has been unhappy with the news coverage of The Mueller Report, with the exception of Fox News. The president spent the weekend at Mar-A-Lago with Rush Limbaugh. Because Trump doesn’t have the attention span to read anything longer than a tweet so Rush read the report to him. And also because he finds Limbaugh’s voice to be soothing in a bombastic windbag style similar to Trump’s own manner of speaking.
Through my super special top secret connections, I’ve learned Trump has been dictating a rebuttal to The Mueller Report to Rush Limbaugh, who aside from his career as one of the top radio simpletons, also possesses excellent secretarial skills such as typing and taking dictation.
Here is an excerpt from The Trump Rebuttal for your reading pleasure:
The President Donald J. Trump Rebuttal of the Very Unfair Mueller Russia Witch Hunt
My fellow Americans, first of all no collusion. No collusion of any kind was found between me or my campaign and Russia interference. I have to say Robert Mueller was very honest about that. This has been a complete and total witch hunt from the very beginning. The dems were out to get me because they lost a campaign which they really should have won. But anyway, no collusion. No collusion of any kind. So in that respect I have to say Mueller was very fair, but in other respects, not so much.
Like this business where he said I said, “This is the end of my presidency. I’m f*ed.” That was taken totally out of context, okay. Totally out of context, folks. I said it, but not because I was afraid of the special counsel. Because there was nothing for me to be afraid of. Because, as I’ve said many, many times, no collusion. So when I heard a special counsel had been appointed, I said it like, I said sarcastically. Like, “Oh my god. I’m sooo f*ed.” So he took that out of context, like I said, to make it look like I had done something wrong when in fact, I said it because I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Mueller, he really, he took a lot of things out of context. Like this business with Jeff Sessions. I’ve been very transparent about that, folks. I always said he shouldn’t have recused and if he knew he was going to recuse he should have told me so I could appoint an unrecused attorney general. And people said to me, they said, “Mr. President, the attorney general’s job isn’t to protect you.” And I was like, “You think Bobby Kennedy didn’t protect Jack?” I mean, as far as investigations and witch hunts are concerned. Obviously Bobby didn’t protect him against everything because Jack got killed. And then Bobby got himself killed. And that’s the problem with democrats. They refuse to say radical Islamic terrorists. And it’s like, they don’t want to take a stand against terrorism. But if Bobby Kennedy had spent more time looking for terrorists and less time trying to break up the mafia, he would have seen that Siri Siri guy coming. And here we are like forty, fifty years later, or something like that, and we still don’t know who killed Jack Kennedy.
So it’s very important to me to have a strong attorney general who will protect the president. And I don’t have a brother who I can appoint as attorney general. My brother Fred is dead. And my brother Robert rescues horses, if you can believe it. I mean, what am I supposed to do with The Horse Whisperer for a brother? And I have two sisters, but they’re women.
Actually, and a lot of people don’t know this, but one of the reasons I appointed Bill Barr to replace Jeff Sessions is because I thought he was Roseanne Barr’s brother. I mean, he’s fat and he’s willing to ruin his career for me, so you know, there’s that similarity. And I figured if I couldn’t used my own brother, Roseanne’s brother would be a good choice. But, as it turns out, he’s not related to Roseanne at all, but he’s worked out. I think he’ll be known in history as one of the great attorney generals.
And this business about, did I try to fire Mueller? Look, I have the executive power to fire anyone if I think it’s the right thing to do. Now, ultimately, I decided to hold off and see where this whole Russia witch hunt thing – the thing is, sure, I discussed firing Mueller with some of my top senior advisers. But what you have to remember is, I talk about firing people every day. It’s part of my job as the top person in charge of things like that, like firing people. And really, it’s what the American people elected me to do. It’s what I’m known for. I’m known for, “you’re fired.” It’s like, it’s my catchphrase and when I was elected, my voters, they expected me to fire people and not be afraid of – oh I shouldn’t do this or I shouldn’t that because it’s not politically correct or it doesn’t look good. But look, I’m okay with being not correct.
And the fake news media is making a big deal about this whole Don McGhan thing. Did I get upset because Don McGhan took notes? Sure I did. Look, I’ve had lawyers, for forty years I’ve had lawyers, and not once did I see them take notes. So why does this one lawyer start taking notes when I’m president? And this business of him saying something like, “Well, I’m a real lawyer.” Really? You think Bobby Kennedy was taking notes on Jack? You think there’s some big stack of notes in a basement somewhere on the Invasion of the Bay of Pigs? Of course there isn’t. So why would Don McGhan be taking notes every time he talks to me? I’ll tell you, he probably wants to make a name for himself and he’s using Trump to do it. By the way, this happens when you’re famous and when you’re famous and become president, it’s like, everyone wants a piece of you. So, this McGhan guy he sells some off the cuff remark I made to Mueller and the failing New York Times does a story on it. And they’ll all make some money off of Trump. And so we’re considering a lawsuit. I’ve heard from many, many people that I should sue. They say this stuff with the White House counsel selling my information to Mueller is really unfair. It’s presidential harassment the likes of which no one has ever seen. And by the way, a lot of people don’t know this, but Mueller is making tremendous amounts of money with this whole report. It’s like a best seller. And that’s because of Trump. No one cares what Mueller has to say. Who ever heard of Mueller before Trump? People want to read about Trump. So, in a way, this is very good for me.
Now there’s this business of did I help Don Jr. with his statement about the Trump Tower Russia meeting. And I’m like, so what if I did? I really, I had no choice. Look, I gave him some responsibility and what he did was – he caused more problems with this whole Trump Russia hoax. Look, he took the meeting – and I can say that’s one thing Mueller was very fair about. He said Trump knows nothing. And that’s true. That I can tell you. And when this whole meeting thing became a thing in the press and Hope Hicks and Jared wanted to talk to me about it, I said to them, I said, “Look, I don’t want to know anything. Just leave it alone. I mean, I wasn’t at the meeting so why should I care?” And Hope was all like, “It looks bad. It looks really bad for Don Jr.” And I was all like, “You know, to be honest with you, he’s not even really one of my favorite kids. I could do without him if I’m being honest.”
Photo by Michael Zimmermann | CC-BY-SA-4.0