HBO Signs Mike Pompeo As Lead In New Sopranos TV Series, Kellyanne Conway To Play Carmela
In a move that has stunned the political elite, the world’s media and the public alike, US Secretary of State Mike Pompeo has announced that he has accepted an offer from HBO to take the starring role in the long awaited seventh series of The Sopranos.
At a hastily assembled press conference held in, irony of ironies, Trump Tower, New York, an exuberant Pompeo was clearly cock-a-hoop about his next career move away from front line politics and into the acting profession.
“To be honest I’m sick and tired of politics,” said Pompeo, “I hate Donald Trump. I was hoping Mueller would scrape the creep off by getting him impeached. Then I could have moved into the top job and earned some decent bucks for a change. But Mueller’s report was a pack of butt-wipe as far as I’m concerned. Nearly three years and millions of dollars and all he could dig up were a few second hand reports of the Duck swearing a bit. I’m also sick and tired of travelling the globe selling our weapons and killing stuff to rich Arabs. They have no respect for America. They make me puke! So, when HBO approached me with the Sopranos thing I nearly bit their freakin’ hand off! Do you know how much they’re going to pay me? It’s more than Melania spends a year on handbags and plastic surgery, and I’m talking in addition to the Botox here!”
Standing alongside Pompeo on the podium throughout the press conference was Richard Plepler, the recently retired Chairman and Chief Executive of HBO. Plepler, bronzed and grinning like an idiot, said, “We’re over the moon at HBO. We didn’t think we could get Mike, what with him being a top politician on the world stage, put thankfully the crappy Mueller report happened and hey-presto! We got our man.”
Plepler then went on to add, “It was my last big goal before I retired. The public has been driving us all nuts banging on about the seventh Sopranos series. Will it / won’t it happen? David Chase and other writers involved in the first 6 series weren’t interested in writing any more, no matter how much money we offered. We scoured the world for another writer good enough but came up blank.
Then I heard about this PR stunt for a movie script supposedly dug up in Edmonton. You know the one, MAD (Mutually Assured Destruction), a parody of the Trump presidency using a character called Donald Dump. I did some research and got hold of a copy. It’s brilliant! So, I got in touch with the writers, David Smith and David Tenenbaum. They were great and loved the idea of writing the next Sopranos series. They’ve signed up to write twenty episodes and for a fraction of the bucks I would have had to pay Chase and his cronies. Smith and Tenenbaum agreed to write the whole caboodle including rewrites during filming for $50 a day plus free booze and food!
It was all going okay when we suddenly hit a brick wall. Who could we get to replace the brilliant James Gandolfini? Then one evening I was relaxing in my Jacuzzi with a dozen or so oriental massage therapists when this news item came on the TV. There he was. Mike Pompeo, shaking hands on a deal to sell US bombs and killing stuff to that journalist murderer, what’s his name. I almost dropped my champagne glass on my masseuse’s head! Pompeo was the spitting image of Tony Soprano, the same dull vacuous eyes staring cold black hate, the huge gut, the receding hair, and the dumb accent. He was perfect for the part. I picked up the phone and called him straight away, but that was before the Mueller report was published. He turned me down flat.”
Turning to Pompeo, Plepler punched the Secretary of State playfully on the arm and said, “Didn’t you, you old rascal?”
Pompeo quipped, “It bumped my money up though, didn’t it?”
Plepler then went on to add, “But not long after the Mueller wet-lettuce & whitewash report was published Mike was on the blower to me, chasing me around the office, begging me to give him a shot! We soon came to a deal and I’m looking forward to getting the first episode in the can.”
The ever-present cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano asked Plepler whom he had in mind for the rest of the cast.
“We won’t be asking any of the original cast to join us in this new series,” said Plepler, “Now we have Mikey on board we want to keep a political theme and use shagged out politicians and their butt-lizards, no offence Mike. We made an approach to Peter Griffin from Family Guy to play Bobby Baccalieri but we hit a couple of snags. Firstly he’d just been offered the lead role in MAD, but I understand he’s now turned that down. More importantly, he’s a freakin’ cartoon. So we’ve asked Mike to play that part too. He’ll have to wear a ‘Bobby’ prosthetic mask but he’s a politician so being two faced should come naturally.
We’ve lined up Kellyanne Conway for the part as Tony’s wife, Carmela. She was an easy hire. She’ll do anything for money.
We’ve made an approach to Jared Kushner to play Paulie ‘Walnuts’ Gualtieri. Jared has the right image for the part. He looks like a creepy psychopath that no one in his right mind would trust as far as he could throw a bus. He’s interested but wants a) to play the part as an orthodox Jew and b) as part of his fee to have all his family debts written off, so we may not get him.”
Other cast members could include:
Hillary Clinton as the ghost of Livia Soprano – for the selfish streak.
Ivanka Trump as Janice Soprano – for the greedy streak.
Melania Trump as Jennifer Melfi – for the ‘I haven’t got a clue what’s really going on’ streak.
Mike Pence as the ghost of Tony Blundetto – for the ‘lanky albino streak of piss’ streak.
Fans of the TV series, The Sopranos are reportedly furious at the casting. A spokeswoman for the TS fanzine, Missy Iza Watchindeodderrchannel, said, “If dey do make a seventh series den we don’t wanna watch dis bunch of useless buttholes playing de lead parts. We’d rather have us some real people.”
Photo by Mark Taylor from Rockville, USA | CC-BY-2.0