The Pointed Pen: Tapping Into The New Pessimism
2020 isn't only a presidential election year; it's also the number of candidates who will be running. It’s like the new version of the old Andy Warhol line where every American gets to run for president for 15 minutes. You don't have to be qualified; in fact being not qualified is considered an advantage. I figure that soon every idiot in the country will be throwing their hat into the ring.
So not to be left out, I'm making my announcement on the historic steps of my house, future home of an ex-presidential candidate. I’m running on the “No hope ticket.” Our platform (which could collapse at any moment) is simple. There’s no hope for our planet, no hope for our hemisphere or country, no hope for our state, no hope for our town or even our neighborhood and no hope for us. No hope at all. Give it up people.
Call it the new pessimism. It’s a lot like the old pessimism, only worse. We have made such a royal mess of everything; I can only describe it as being indescribable. As the scientists say, entropy cannot be reversed. We might as well pack it in and watch football. I’m a New York Jets fan, and there’s no hope for them either. But why bother to even vote? You have to; it’s your patri-idiotic duty to vote. So please, vote for me, if you believe as I do, and join with me in this hopeless cause.
I figure I have this issue all to my self because most politicians want to appear optimistic. But what has their optimism ever done for me? Ok, maybe back in college when I was young and irresponsible, I tried optimism once, but I knew from the start that it wouldn't work. They call it, "Looking on the bright side," I call it, "Denying reality." Do you feel hope for the future? Do you believe in a better tomorrow? A future where the noblest qualities of America shine like a beacon of hope around the world? If you do, then this campaign is not for you. But I digress.
I will soon have a book ghost-written for me called either, “The man from hopelessness” or "The non-audacity of hopelessness" I haven't decided. My campaign song will be music from the movie “Titanic.” I plan to have a series of boring debates with myself on C-SPAN about how bad things are that no one will watch. So far I haven’t accepted a single dollar of corporate or PAC money. But I want to be clear that I would take it, if any were ever offered, not that there’s much hope of that. Until then I am counting on you, the average hopeless American to prove just how hopeless things can be electing me. Through rain and snow and gloom of night, the slogan of my campaign remains, “Think things are bad now? Wait 'till I'm elected!"
Photo by Palácio do Planalto from Brasilia, Brasil | CC-BY-2.0