New Trump ‘Complete And Total Exoneration’ Banknote To Be Issued – US Currency To Switch To The Ruble
The news that the US dollar is to be replaced with a version of the Russian Ruble has taken the world by complete surprise. The announcement was made late yesterday evening at a hastily assembled press conference at midnight in The White House. The official White House spokeswoman and sleepy-eyed funbags, Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders, gave journalists the following statement:
“Following the publication of the Robert Mueller report into the complete and total exoneration of president Donald Trump, and the subsequent conclusion by Attorney General William Barr that president Trump is completely and totally exonerated, the US treasury has been instructed to draft up a new set of bills to replace the current range.
Research has revealed that the word (name) ‘Dollar’ is very difficult for foreigners to pronounce, especially in craphole countries where speech defects are common, Great Britain being a typical example. A far easier word to describe the American currency is ‘Ruble.’ So, when the new currency is issued, the term Dollar will go, to be ever after replaced with the term Ruble.
In addition to this, amendments to the images on the notes will be as follows.
1 RUB ($1) – George Washington – To be replaced with portrait of Donald Trump having his hair combed by Stormy Daniels.
2 RUB ($2) – Thomas Jefferson – To be replaced with President Vladimir Putin scratching Trump’s back with a model of a medium range tactical nuclear missile.
5 RUB ($5) – Abraham Lincoln – To be replaced with Hillary Clinton having her teeth pulled out.
10 RUB ($10) – Alexander Hamilton – To be replaced by a list of club membership fee rates for Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida.
20 RUB ($20) – Andrew Jackson – To be replaced with Ivanka Trump opening a pop up store selling sweat shirts and Faberge eggs to rich Arabs.
50 RUB ($50) – Ulysses S Grant – To be replaced with Melania Trump having her face botoxed.
100 RUB ($100) – Benjamin Franklin – To be replaced by Jared Kushner shedding his skin and growing an extra limb.
500 RUB ($500) – William McKinley – To be replaced with James Comey being boiled in a cannibals’ cooking pot.
1,000 RUB ($1,000) – Grover Cleveland – To be replaced with Brett Kavanaugh sucking on a beer and sexually harassing a female colleague.
5,000 RUB ($5,000) – James Madison – To be replaced by Mike Pence creeping out a journalist at a rally for Albino lizards in Ohio.
10,000 RUB ($10,000) – Salmon P Chase – To be replaced with Donald Trump’s tiny left hand patting an undocumented illegal immigrant girl on the head as she is torn from her parents at the Mexican / US border.
100,000 RUB ($100,000) – Woodrow Wilson – To be replaced by Michael Cohen receiving electroconvulsive electric shock treatment in the bath.
1,000,000 RUB ($1,000,000) – This is a new note to be created especially:
a) To commemorate the complete and total exoneration of Donald Trump from any Russian collusion whatsoever, and in any form in the past, present or future. This will be depicted by the image of Donald Trump holding in his left hand a copy of the Mueller report, and in his right a screwdriver. The image is meant to subtly (Ha!) depict how Trump ‘screwed’ the electorate in the 2016 presidential election, and then ‘screwed’ the subsequent Mueller investigation, and…
b) So Trump and his cronies can stuff their wallets with the money they’re making (by allegedly abusing their office) with something a little less bulky than the current notes.”
Funbags then closed the press meeting by yawning then saying, “For the record, future press meetings will be conducted entirely in Russian. Now, it’s past my bedtime, so nighty-night to all you suckers out there! Спокойной ночи всем.