Report On Investigation Into 2016 Election Nobbling ‘A Complete Whitewash’
The long, drawn out investigation and potentially devastating report into collusion between the Trump presidential campaign and Russia in 2016 US presidential election has at last been published. The investigation that has cost the US taxpayer more money than Melania Trump spends on Botox is but the start of what is predicted as being a protracted and bloody row between the US Democrats and Republicans.
‘Why?’ I hear you cry.
Put simply, no matter what the contents of Special Investigator Robert Mueller’s report, they will be open to interpretation, smoke-screening, claim and counter-claim, secrets withheld and lies told by both sides about what is or is not in the bits never disclosed.
For openers, the full report will no doubt never be published. Already Attorney General William Barr, a Republican appointed by Trump, has only issued his version of what the report contains. To nobody’s surprise his summary has found Trump and his cohorts as innocent as a new born lamb. Barr, a man of unimpeachable standing, has ‘promised’ to release into the public domain as much of the report as he can, political fork-tongue talk for ‘nothing dodgy, all the nasty bits redacted.’
No doubt the scene is set for years of bickering, wrangling, accusations and counter claims. President Trump has already declared himself completely exonerated and the victim of a witch-hunt, with ‘crooked Hillary’ being the puppet-master of the whole sorry affair.
Those in the media will gobble this up as ‘meat and veg’ for years to come, and good luck to them. If they can scratch a living out of this farrago, and pack in a few free lunches, best of luck. That’s certainly what I plan to do here in Llanaber.
What has this to do with your tiny Welsh coast fog bound village? (I hear you cry).
It is this.
The long awaited report on the investigation into ‘shenanigans’ that occurred during the 2016 Llanaber election for boss of the parish council has at last been published!
The village cop, Special Investigator Robert (Robbie the Bobbie) Muller has at last presented the final results of his long investigation. The report, the thickness of a UK telephone directory, was left on the doorstep of the village council offices at 6am yesterday morning.
How do I know the precise time and date? (I hear you ask).
As Llanaber village Foreign Secretary it is my responsibility to be first in to work in the morning so I can leg it up to the news ticker-tape room before the leader of the council, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim, gets her lazy ass out of bed in the morning. There in the newsroom I go through all the reports that have been sent to us overnight. I check them carefully, and using the censor’s eye it has taken me decades to hone, I ‘filter out’ any story that could potentially cause problems for the village should this snippet of news fall into the hands of my esteemed leader ‘Binky.’ She’s as mad as a box of frogs and tries to pinch any insane idea that dribbles from the mouth of Donald Trump.
So, yesterday morning I cheerily stumbled* through the perpetual fog into the office and was first to discover the report (*literally – I fell over the bloody thing!).
Perhaps it’s appropriate that I give a little of the background for those new to these Llanaber newsletters of mine.
In 2016 our little village held its election for the position as boss of the Llanaber council, an event that takes place once every four years. The current incumbent, Mrs. Dorothy ‘Binky’ Trim (or president Trim as she has recently taken to insisting is her proper title) has held the post unchallenged for the last 20 years. Usually Mrs Trim’s re-appointment goes through ‘on the nod’ but in 2016 an alternative candidate stood against her.
Standing on an anti-corruption, anti-nepotism and ‘say no to stupidity’ ticket, the rival to Mrs. Trim threw her hat into the ring. Who was this bold trailblazer for a long awaited spell of honesty? Who was this ‘braveheart’ standing to become a leader that for once didn’t have her hands in the pocket of the village hospital’s budget so she could buy herself a new set of antimacassars for the grubby three-seater in her parlour?
It was none other than Mrs. Clinton, the game old bird that runs the card shop in the high street, a woman of impeccable reputation for honesty, and considered incorruptible, the ‘Eliot Ness’ of our tiny village.
The two women went head to head in one of the dirtiest political electioneering campaigns the village had ever seen, the muck and bile coming from one side only, that of Mrs. Trim.
Mrs. Clinton, for her part, played a blinder.
Whilst being polite and respectful towards her opponent at all times during debates, she laid bare the deep corruption at the heart of the village council by publishing the budget figures for the local hospital. Specifically, she made it clear to the electorate how much of this had been spent on medical equipment and paying the electricity bill, and how much had been spent on ‘fact finding’ tours of hospitals in the Maldives by Mrs. Trim and her gluttonous family.
Mrs. Clinton or ‘Honest Clint’ as she was known in the village, was set to be a shoe-in!
But then the rumours started to fly.
There is a man that lives in our village called Putin Lotzadosh, a bald hulk of Russian descent. He runs the slot machine empire (an arcade on the seafront). It was rumoured he was offering those entitled to vote* free goes on his penny falls slot machine if the recipient of this bung were cast his or her vote for Mrs. Trim.
*Democracy has been ‘right sized’ in our village. Only people that own shops or the donkey ride & bouncy castle franchises on the beach are allowed to vote – it stops all the hibberty-hoys and poor people skewing the results by voting any which way they stupidly decide to).
When the result of the election was announced the village was shocked into silence. It was a landslide. Mrs. Trim swept the board. Poor old Mrs. Clinton was trounced. There was an outcry. Something ‘was rotten in the state of Llanaber.’
An investigation into the result, and the possible nobbling of the ballot due to collusion between Mrs. Trim and ‘the beast from the east,’ Putin Lotzadosh, was demanded. The village cop, Robert ‘Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller was appointed ‘Special Investigator’ and instructed to leave no stone unturned in his investigation.
Three long years have passed and at last the final report has been published, and I, dear reader, was to be the first person in the council to read it!
I picked up the heavy tome and ran to my office and, despite the weight of the document, took the stairs two at a time. I slammed my office door closed, and flipped the sign on my door from ‘open for business’ to ‘power napping – piss off!’
Imagine it, dear reader. There on the desk in front of me, the truth, the long awaited truth. My fingers tingled as I turned the first page.
I turned the next, then the next, and then each and every one. They were all exactly the same!
Each page, dear reader was blank!
Each page had been entirely painted over, front and back, with whitewash!
It was the worst case of ‘aggressive redaction’ I had ever seen in my entire career. It was only when I reached the final page I found it. A small business card was stapled to the inside of the final cover. On this was printed the name and address of Mrs. Trim’s private lawyer, Mr. Solly Weinstein (no relation).
My heart sank.
Once again the ‘establishment’ had had its way with the truth. There was to be no damning report about collusion, corruption or anything else. Mrs. Trim’s lawyer had put paid to that.
But one day the truth must surely ‘out.’
As soon as Robert’ Robbie the Bobbie’ Muller (and family) returns from his all expenses paid, hospital budget funded fact finding tour of the Florida Keys bars to study the effects of alcohol poisoning and recreational drug use on members of the police, I am absolutely positive he will ‘put the record straight.’
Once again probity, honesty and incorruptible good governance will be the norm in positions of power in our village.
In the meantime I’m keeping my head down. If Mrs. Trim finds out I’ve even seen a copy of Robbie’s report she’ll make my life a freaking misery.
That’s all for now.