Reports: Mueller ‘Investigated the Wrong President’
At a hastily assembled press conference a befuddled Attorney General William Barr announced that the long awaited Mueller Report into the 2016 US election was ‘a joke.’
“I remain committed to as much transparency as possible, and I will keep you informed as to the status of my review,” said an ashen faced Barr, “But I’ve been through every single page and it’s a pile of rubbish.”
When pressed on exactly what he meant by ‘rubbish,’ the AJ barked, “Crap, garbage, toss, pants, bollocks, trash! Put simply it’s a load of worthless nothing!”
The AJ then went on to give a brief summary of the contents of Mueller’s report.
“It’s taken nearly two years and used up a hell of a lot of taxpayers’ money as well as tying up a massive investigative resource to produce Mueller’s report, and this is what I got.”
Barr then held up a copy of the report, the size of a telephone directory, and flicked through it. Every single page appeared to be the same, i.e. a sheet of A4 on which the following sentence was repeated as nauseam, “All work and no play makes Bob a dull boy.”
“I got over a hundred of these suckers,” snapped Barr, “How am I expected to write a summary for Congress from this? They’re bound to think it’s a cover up. I was all ready to take out the juicy bits that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Trumpy-boy was in the pocket of the ‘beast from the east,’ and I’d bought a brand new redacting marker especially for the job, but this is gobsmacking. This guy Mueller is a screwball. What’s worse is that he’ll ruin my reputation for being one of Trump’s butt-lizards. No one will believe me.”
When pressed by the ever present reported from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ as to whether there was anything at all of use, Barr barked, “Only at the very end. The report concludes with a scathing polemic aimed at a character called Donald Dump. Who the f*ck is he?”
The Attorney General then stormed out of the press conference, smacking the cub reporter from The Beano around the back of his head with a copy of the report’s conclusions as he left.
A close examination of the document used to twat the cub reporter appeared to confirm what the AG had said. The final paragraph of the report is reproduced verbatim below:
‘This investigation concludes that, beyond a shadow of a doubt, there is irrefutable evidence that President Donald Dump not only colluded with the Russian president, Vladiwell Putitin, in fiddling the results of the US election in 2016 but as an incompetent nitwit, poses a real and present danger to the planet. Our investigations discovered the following harrowing events had taken place:
Donald Dump started a trade war with the Chinese premiere, Mi Hung Long, over some crappy US manufactured electric razors.
President Dump and President Mi challenged each other to a cage fight to settle the matter.
During this fight Dump accidentally detonated a doomsday device with his big fat ass, and all life on the planet has been destroyed.
The report, therefore, has no option but to recommend that this joker president Donald Dump be impeached for crimes against humanity and defying logic.’
When the author of the report, Robert Mueller, was ‘door-stepped’ by the press pack early this morning, he looked clearly embarrassed as he answered the reporters’ questions. Standing on his porch wearing a Batman ‘onesie’ and eating a slice of toast, the special investigator’s face flushed red.
“I was hoping to get away with it,” muttered Mueller, “Barr is a bit of a dummy. I was hoping he wouldn’t bother to read it, and he would just redact the whole thing as he usually does with anything that might criticize Trump.”
Mueller then confessed all to the press pack.
“It was an enormous junket,” said Mueller, “I couldn’t believe my luck! I was on top salary and given a free hand to work in secret, and I could take as long as I liked. It got better. They gave me a US government expenses credit card and I could spend like an idiot without anybody questioning the bill. I can’t even remember the first six months of the investigation. I was blotto on free Jack Daniels for most of it, and ‘coked’ up to the eyeballs for the rest. You wouldn’t believe the restaurants I’ve eaten in! Then there were the hotels. No expense spared, know what I mean?”
Mueller shuffled uncomfortably in his onesie as he continued, “It was only when people started to pester me for the final report that I realized I hadn’t done any actual investigating. So I got a couple of the boys on my team to pull in the Trump creeps that were obviously guilty and beat ‘em up a bit till they flipped. But I was still faced with what to do about ‘the big one.’ It was when I was watching ‘The Shining’ I came up with the ‘all work’ ploy. That took care of the first 100 volumes of the report. But I was still stuck for a conclusion, that killer punch everyone wanted from me. I didn’t have anything. It was then that I saw an item in the press about the discovery in Edmonton of that ancient script everyone’s making a fuss about, M.A.D (Mutually Assured Destruction). Someone sent me this: https://www.inktip.com/script/1e7b5f9
It was the InkTip website link. I went to the website and read the script. I literally peed my pants laughing. This guy Donald Dump was a complete moron. I then started to notice similarities between Dump and Trump. Once the link was made, it was a no brainer. I conflated the two characters and used this as my conclusion to the report.”
Whilst Mueller seemed embarrassed to be found out for enjoying a two-year freebee at the taxpayer’s expense, he showed no contrition for what he had done.
“Hell, when did Trump or the goons around him last pay for their own lunch or hotel room? My only regret is that I can’t get a piece of the action with the MAD script. I know Seth Macfarlane has tried to buy it, but I now hear a substantial offer has been made by an unknown buyer.”
When pressed as to who this new bidder might be, Mueller winked and said, “Some fat guy from North Korea.”
Photo by Palácio do Planalto from Brasilia, Brasil | CC-BY-2.0