President Trump Threatens UC Berkeley With Soy Embargo
The University of California, Berkeley, has been threatened with a soy embargo if they do not comply with President Donald Trump's executive order protecting free speech on American college campuses. Trump signed an executive order last Thursday that if violated will disqualify a college from receiving federal research funding and would prevent the importation of any and all soy-based products into any college violating the terms.
More than $35 billion worth of government grants could be stripped away if every tax-payer subsidized college did not meet with the standards set by Trump's executive order. Worse than that, economic sanctions on soy will be so intense, driving up the price of the product by over a thousand percent, according to an estimate from an anonymous economist.
"Trump can't mess with my soy, man. Nuh uh. This is where he crosses the line," said a college student who spoke with Flake News reporters while eating lunch in the UC Berkeley cafeteria with his girlfriend and her second boyfriend. "Who's he to say what I can or can't put in my body? I think that's absolutely unjust. I would never impose these tyrannical rules on anyone. Just ask my girlfriend."
The university released a statement regarding Trump's executive order, assuring that they already follow by the standards set by the First Amendment. Evidently, they only foster an environment that is a breeding ground for violent activism and riots against political opponents.
"We do not need the federal government to mandate what already exists: our longstanding, unequivocal support for freedom of expression," UC Berkeley said in a statement released on Thursday. "That tradition is alive and thriving on all of our campuses. This executive order will only muddle policies surrounding free speech, while doing nothing to further the aim of the First Amendment."
UC Berkeley will be offering a variety of new classes this fall, including How To Properly Crack Someone In The Head With A Bike Lock (BLOC 101), Why We're Cool And Our Political Opponents Are Fascists (FASC 104), Let's Riot When Milo Yiannopolous Comes To Town And Not Arrest Anyone For Any Violence Or Destruction (MYIAN 203), Here's Why The City Government And College Is Cool With Antifa Doing Their Thing In Fighting Fascism (POLI SCI 304 - seminar A), Why Punching Nazis Is Okay And Here's Why Conservatives And Trump Supporters Are Nazis (POLI SCI 305 - seminar B), The Center-Left Democrat Liberals, The Nazis Of Tomorrow?: A Comparative Examination Of Chelsea Clinton And Her Family (POLI SCI 306), Why Marxism Matters And Here's Why Capitalists Are Fascist Pigs (POLI SCI 109), Erotic Cuckold Literature (ENG 254W), Why You'll Never Be Good Enough And Need The Government (POLI 106).