MacFarlane Furious As Peter Griffin Turns Down Lead Role In MAD Movie, Trump Threat Of FBI Investigation Into Griffin Suspected
The movie world was shaken to its foundations today when a surprise announcement was made by the Movie giant Seth MacFarlane concerning the recently discovered M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction) screenplay.
A furious MacFarlane was incandescent when he read out his prepared statement to a hastily assembled press gathering. His rather long winded flabby statement is reproduced below verbatim:
“Ladies and Gentlemen of the press. You will be aware that I have made a bid to secure the rights to the ancient movie script recently discovered inside a time capsule buried in the grounds of an archaeological site near Edmonton.”
“You’ll know that the script parodies the Trump administration, using a character called Donald Dump in the lead role. Whilst the rights to the script are not yet mine due to the script’s owner, professor Ivan Egghead, playing hard-ball on the fee, I had already ‘pigeon-holed’ the key characters in the movie. You will be aware that I had publicly announced my intention to cast Peter Griffin in the principle role, that of luxury prison tycoon and halfwit turned US president, Donald Dump.”
“Further, conversations I had directly with Griffin lead me to believe he would accept the part should it be offered. It now transpired that this is not the case.”
MacFarlane then added, “Peter and I have been good friends for many years and I’ve always considered him a man of his word. I’ve always thought him honest, charming and an erudite companion. So it came as a shock to me when his agent, not Peter himself, contacted me late yesterday evening to inform me that Peter is no longer interested in the role. When I asked why, his agent told me to ‘read the news.’ I have tried contacting Peter but he has to date neither acknowledged my emails nor returned my calls. So, as far as I’m concerned, the fat sh*tbag can go f*ck himself. He’ll never work in one of my cartoons again.”
MacFarlane was clearly emotional and a little moist around the eyes when he concluded his statement. He refused to take any questions from the assembled press, storming out of the room with his stormy girlfriend, ‘Stormy Daniels.’
Attempts by the media to contact Peter Griffin have not been successful to date. The actor, who has a reputation of being a binge drinker and recreational drugs user, is rumoured to be ‘on a bender’ in Downtown Disney, Orlando, hanging out with two old Disney ‘has-beens’ Mickey Mouse and his dog, Goofy.
When Griffin’s agent was contacted, all he would say was, “Peter’s not available for comment right now, but I’ll tell you this. Turning down the MAD thing wasn’t easy for him. He was perfect for the part. If he played the misogynistic, gluttonous, racist halfwit, president Donald Dump, he wouldn’t even need to act. The only guy better for the part in all the world is president Donald Trump himself. That’s why Peter turned it down.”
It is thought that the concluding comment from the agent was a reference to another incredible story circulating in the movie industry now. This is that president Trump himself has made an approach to take the lead role in the movie. In an astounding announcement by The White House spokeswoman and all round funbag, Sarah ‘Huckleberry Hound’ Sanders, she publicly reached out to Seth MacFarlane on behalf of president Trump, making the following statement:
“The president is aware of the existence of this (MAD) screenplay, and is also aware of the approach made by MacFarlane to professor Egghead to secure the script. It is untrue that the president sees the script in a negative light, principally because he finds it inconceivable that anyone of sound mind and intellect could draw any analogy between himself (Donald Trump) and the idiot president (Donald Dump) in the script.”
Ms. Funbags then went on to underscore the differences between the characters in the ancient screenplay and the real-life characters that the script would appear to parody.
“Firstly the character Dump,” said Funbags, “In the screenplay he’s fat, bald, stupid, vain, and wears a ridiculous wig. However, president Trump, who is admittedly carrying a little holiday weight, has golden-spun comb-over hair if a little thin. Mr. Trump is a graduate of the school of life not any musty academic college, and appreciates his own better qualities in the face of overwhelming evidence he has none. And for the record, Mr. Trump definitely does NOT wear a wig.”
The floppy breasted spokesperson then added, “Then there’s Dump’s wife, a sex-bot called Mekanika. This character is dumb and looks like a robot. She only exists as a ‘comfort aid’ for the president. Whereas Melania looks nothing like a robot sometimes.”
“And the president’s kids in the movie are all so dumb they needed to be herded from room to room by a cowboy. Since Mr. Trump became president his kids no longer need a cowboy to look after them. The FBI do it now.”
When asked about the characters in the movie script called ‘Satania,’ the president’s greedy ass-licking daughter, and her human-lizard husband, Ms. Fun-floppies snapped, “Leave Ivanka and Jared out of this! They’ve suffered enough.”
It was then that Ms. Funbags astounded the press gathering when she announced that:
a) President Trump was considering starting an FBI investigation into Peter Griffin’s association with the Russian government during the 2016 Oscar nominations campaign, alleging that Griffin was ‘caught on tape’ negotiating with president Putin for a drawing of a luxury hotel to be put up in Moscow with Putin getting a kick-back if the ‘beast from the east’ would nobble the judges to secure Griffin first place in the ‘2 Dimensional Star’ category. The whole Mueller team could be put on the case, abandoning any other work they might just happen to have on right now.
b) President Trump himself wants the part of Donald Dump in the movie.
When it was pointed out by the ever present reporter from the UK comic ‘The Beano’ that MacFarlane planned to make a cartoon movie if he secured the rights, Ms. Sanders shuffled uncomfortably and rather oddly replied that the president was ‘considering having himself flattened especially for the part.’
When a comment was sought from Russia’s president Vladimir Putin, his spokesman said, “We know nothing about a ‘Griffin Tower’ luxury hotel drawing and have no plans to erect one now or in the future, honestly.”
When a comment was sought from professor Ivan Egghead he was quoted as saying, “It’s a great script and I’m open to offers. For all those movie moguls with deep pockets, here’s the InkTip link: https://www.inktip.com/script/1e7b5f9
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0