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Back From The Future

Back From The Future

On November 8, 2016, Hillary Clinton won the presidential election by more than three million votes and Donald Trump became the forty-fifth President of the United States. This caused the country to fall into another Great Depression. Not an economic depression, just an over all feeling of hopelessness and despair.

As we gear up toward the 2020 election, it’s important that we examine how this colossal screw up happened to prevent it from happening again. I have a few theories.

1. The Founding Fathers Were Jerks

I was watching MSNBC one night and Lawrence O'Donnell said something to the effect of, “try explaining how Hillary Clinton won the election and not the presidency to someone from another country.” Oddly enough, I had recently recently attempted to do just that and it was hard. My explanation went something like this:

“You see, Jorge, when we vote for president we're not actually voting for president. We're voting for electors who then vote for president in December. So, even though the election has been called, it hasn't actually happened yet. The Founding Fathers didn't trust the American people to choose a president. That's why they set up the electoral college. It's supposed to prevent idiots from getting into the White House. Unfortunately, it tends to work in favor of idiots.

Oh, and if you have republican friends who think it works in favor of democrats, please tell them they're wrong. This has only happened five times in our nation's history and it put a republican in the White House all five times. I don't know where republicans get this idea, but they seem to think there have been democrats who lost the popular vote, but won the electoral college. That has never happened. Never. Not once. You tell them that, Jorge. Don't let them go around spreading fake news.

Anyway, each state gets a number of electorates supposedly based on their population. But that's not really true because the numbers don't make any mathematical sense. The electorates are free to vote for whomever they choose, except that they’re not. Basically, it's like Dancing With The Stars. It's some weird combination of the judges points and the audience votes that no one really understands. So, Toni Braxton was sent home even though she's a really good dancer.”

2. Michael J. Fox Screwed Up the Space-Time Continuum

In Back to the Future II, Michael J. Fox traveled to the year 2015, which is currently the past, not the future. While Fox was busy playing with his hover board, the obnoxious bully, Biff, found the time machine and traveled back to 1955. In 1955, old Biff gave young Biff a sports almanac from 2015, which young Biff then used to bet on every game for the next thirty years. Then Michael J. Fox found himself in an alternate 1985 where Biff had become the richest and most powerful man in the country. The ignorant and narcissistic Biff names everything after himself, has a life-sized portrait of himself and throws out childish insults like butthead. Sound familiar? It should. The writers of Back to the Future II actually based alternate 1985 Biff on Donald Trump. Fact. I don't know how they did it, but Michael J. Fox and Doc Brown need to get in their flying DeLorean and fix this catastrophe. Pronto.

3. Apocalypse

Or as I like to call it The Trumpocalypse. Trump is obviously the Antichrist. Need proof? Fine.

According to the Bible, or rather, what Wikipedia says the Bible says, the Antichrist will falsely claim to be the Messiah. You know, like a man who says, “I, alone, can fix all your problems.”

Wikipedia also says the Antichrist will be a “single figure of concentrated evil.” I believe Back to the Future II makes this point quite convincingly.

4. Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin Rigged the Election

This one seems rather obvious now, but we clearly didn’t see it coming at the time. Donald Trump had been saying the election was rigged in Clinton’s favor months before the election. That should have been the first major clue. Crying foul is a classic cheater move. Every woman knows that when a man is super jealous and overly suspicious he is about to give her herpes because he's been whoring around like his name is Bill Clinton. And frankly, Hillary, of all people should have seen it coming.


Photo by Paul Hudson | CC-BY-2.0

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