Seth MacFarlane Opens Bidding War For ‘MAD’ Movie Script Casting Peter Griffin In Main Role, Trump Furious
The recent discovery of an ancient time capsule containing a feature movie script has caused a huge stir in the movie industry. The script, containing jokes thought to be over five thousand years old, is a re-jig of the Dr. Strangelove theme using a parody of Donald Trump (Donald Dump) as the central character. It was anticipated that a bidding war to option the feature script would follow shortly on the heels of the announcement of the find. The approach made by Seth MacFarlane would appear to be the opening shot.
“I’ve read the script. It’s amazing, and very, very funny,” chuckled MacFarlane from his luxury cartoon mansion, “Peter is ideal for the role of the main character, luxury private prison tycoon turned president, Donald Dump. My one reservation is that Peter would be a little two dimensional for the part. But, what the hell, man? My version will be a cartoon anyway.”
MacFarlane then went on to discuss the other characters in the movie and who he intended to cast for these.
“I’m thinking of asking Marge Simpson to play the part of president Dump’s ‘sex-bot’ wife, Mekanika. She’s got a great set of jugs on her and an butt to die for. My one reservation is that Marge would need her face re-drawn to look more like a robot. The part is a parody of Melania Trump, so Marge will need a lot of re-working to capture that sex-bot look Melania’s created.”
The screenplay also has a parody of vice president Mike Pence, an albino f*ckwit called Mike Dunce. MacFarlane was clear who he wanted for the role.
“There’s only one guy for this part. That’s the snowman from the movie of the same name. It’s obvious. He’s white, cold and dumb enough to work under the hot lights in the studio, so by the time the movie’s in the can, he’ll just be a puddle of water on the studio floor so I won’t have to pay the idiot.”
Another central character is a parody of Vladimir Putin, a sinister ‘fixer’ called ‘Vladiwell Putitin.’ MacFarlane was uncertain about the casting of this role.
“Initially I thought that the ghost of Christmas future from the cartoon version of ‘A Christmas Carol’ would suit the part. But that guy doesn’t do talkies. He just points a bony finger now and again. So, then I thought about Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. He wanted too much money for what is in essence just a supporting role. I’ll admit I think I’ll have trouble finding the right person for this slot. However, I’m waiting for a call back from the agent for Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell, y’know, the mayor of Springfield from the Simpsons. He fits the bill as long as he can ditch the crap Italian accent he uses in the Simpsons and adopt a crappy Russian one.”
When asked who he had in mind for another central character, the parody of Chinese president Xi Jinping, a vain fat moron called ‘Mi Hung Long,’ MacFarlane was clear.
“I’m hoping to bring someone out of retirement for that role. With the right make-up around the eyes, this guy would be perfect. I know he’ll be expensive to entice back into the business, but what a pro! He’ll steal the show, probably. Everything he touches turns to on-screen gold.”
When asked who he was talking about, MacFarlane barked, “It’s obvious, you idiot! It’s Fred Flintstone!”
“I thought about Wilma for the part of Dump’s vain, greedy daughter, Satania, but she’s a little too old for the part. I’ve got a call in to Luanne Platter from ‘King of the Hill’ for that part. She’d be great in the role, sexy and just a little grubby.”
There is one other central character in the screenplay, Mrs. Trim, the elderly British lady that owns Plumtree Island, the near deserted rock off the coast of Wales where a great deal of the action takes place. She is the one that develops a doomsday machine that ultimately brings about the destruction of the planet when Donald Dump accidentally sits on it with his fat butt.
“Casting her wasn’t easy,” admitted Macfarlane, “But I’m hopefully going to sign someone perfect for the part very soon.”
When pressed as to who this would be, MacFarlane tapped the side of his nose with his index finger, winked and said enigmatically, “Watch this space.”
However, rumours in the industry are that a deal is about to be struck for an eight figure fee with none other than Velma Winkley from the cartoon series ‘Scooby Doo.’
When Winkley’s agent, Solly Vellysolly, was pressed for a comment, he said, “Velma’s been approached for the part, sure, I’ll admit that. She’s thinking it over, but there are a few negatives. For a start the Trim character is skinny, so Velma would have to lose a couple of dozen pounds. She’s been hitting the Scooby-snacks hard since her retirement. And Velma sucks at an English accent. We’d need a speech coach, and that costs money. Also this Mrs. Trim character is straight. Velma now only takes overtly lesbian parts.”
When the news of the MacFarlane bid for the option to make M.A.D (Mutually Assured Destruction) was raised during a press conference at The White House, the official White House spokeswoman, Sarah ‘Huckleberry Hound’ Sanders, was quick to make clear president Trump’s thoughts on the subject.
“The president is extremely upset about this script and the damage it could do to his image if it ever got made,” barked floppy funbags Sanders, “To be precise, he’s absolutely furious. The president finds it hard to believe that MacFarlane, a serious film maker, would even consider casting Peter Griffin in the role of the central character in the movie, president Donald Dump. He’s an ugly dumb gluttonous slob, a moron, a misogynist, a racist, and a liar. He treats everyone around him like shit and has vile personal habits.”
When asked to clarify whether Sanders was describing president Trump or Peter Griffin, she said “No comment” before abruptly bringing the press conference to a close.
Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0