Rush Limbaugh Hears 'Voice Of God' After Cochlear Implant
Right-wing talk show radio host and Big Fat Idiot, as coined by Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh, has been behaving in a manner “uncharacteristic of him,” according to concerned friends and family members.
The racist, sexist, thick-headed, dim-witted Limbaugh, known for such flabbergasting comments as, “Have you ever noticed how all composite pictures of wanted criminals resemble Jesse Jackson?” has, allegedly, “done a 360,” according to a third cousin, twice removed. “He’s turned into a halfway decent guy,” said the source. “I don’t get it.”
The cousin, who requested anonymity, said that Limbaugh’s personality shift was precipitated by surgery to restore hearing in the conservative bloviator’s right ear, via a Cochlear Implant.
“He’s telling everyone that God is talking to him,” said the cousin. “He went from not hearing shit in that ear, to hearing God. What the hell? I mean, why would God bother talking to him? I go to Church every now and then and God hasn’t said jack to me.”
From Limbaugh’s behavior, it would appear that God is pointing out the error of his ways. He’s been apologizing for such verbal gaffes as “Women should not be allowed on juries where the accused is a stud,” and has even written “mea culpa” emails to ex-wives, one, two, three and four.
Arrested on prescription drug charges in 2006, it is suspected that an addiction to painkillers caused Limbaugh’s deafness. It is alleged that a member of the surgical team went so far as to say, “It’s too bad they didn’t render him mute.”
Listeners of Limbaugh’s on-air gas-bagging are flooding News Talk 1290 with phone calls asking if such comments as “I’d do Sean Hannity in a heartbeat,” are jokes.
Due to the sheer density of Limbaugh’s skull, surgery to implant the electronic device “took twice as long as it would on a normal person,” said the cousin, adding, “They finally got through, but it took a hell of a lot of time. ‘Ole fat head,’ we used to call him.”
This just in: A ticket taker at a Palm Beach Multiplex revealed that Limbaugh sat through three viewings of Spike Lee’s “BlackKkKlansman” and actually applauded the ending.
When asked if Limbaugh happened to mention who or what God sounds like, his cousin answered, “He sure did. You know, what’s his name? Barack something.”
Sculpted in clay, molded and cast in latex. Handpainted, hair hand-laid. “Cochlear Implant” Walgreen’s prescription bottle cap.
Art by Sharon Lee Rosenbaum. Copy by Sherry McGuinn