We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.


‘MAD’ Movie Script Discovered In Archaeological Dig, Trump Tries To Have It Destroyed As It ‘Makes Him Look Dumb’

‘MAD’ Movie Script Discovered In Archaeological Dig, Trump Tries To Have It Destroyed As It ‘Makes Him Look Dumb’


In recent news it was announced that during archaeological excavations in the grounds of Jurassic Forest Prehistoric Dinosaur site near Edmonton a time capsule was discovered in which was an ancient parchment. The pre-historic parchment was found to have printing on it that, after careful laboratory analysis, was discovered to be written in English, and to be the outline of a movie script. The document, believed to be the earliest example known to mankind of printing using a dot-matrix machine, gave the logline and one-page synopsis for a movie called M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction).

Immediately following this discovery, the head honcho at the archaeological dig, Professor Ivan Egghead, diverted all the manpower available to him from digging up old dinosaur bones that nobody is really all that interested in since the Jurassic Park movies franchise went 3D, into the search for the actual MAD movie script. In a matter of hours, a further time capsule container was unearthed. When examined in his laboratory, the professor discovered this too contained a parchment scroll, this time much bigger. To his delight, on this scroll was printed the actual MAD movie script.

The manuscript, amazingly laid out in current movie industry format, runs to the modern equivalent of 96 pages, and was said by the professor to be absolutely hilarious.

“I literally pissed my pants laughing when I read it!” said the professor, “Well, not perhaps literally… Alright literally! The hell with the embarrassment.”

He continued, “I was the one that actually found the container. I was literally over the moon, well not literally obviously, but you get the picture.”

The professor went on to add, “The container had the same markings on the outside as the first one we discovered, a human head motif, so I had a feeling in my bones (no pun intended) straight away that what I’d found was the missing script.”

The professor then described the motif on the outside of the container as a likeness of a human head but much, much bigger in proportion to that of a normal human. The facial features were puffed up like an over inflated balloon. The skin was depicted as orange coloured except around the eyes, which were white. The eyes themselves were pig-like and the lips were the same shape and colour as a human colon.

“But the most striking thing,” continued the professor, “Was the hair. It was a sickly yellow colour and seemed to be woven into an intricate matrix, sitting proud of the scalp, then set in place using a fine mist of glue… the final effect was like some sort of hideous yellow comb-over. It reminded me of someone at the time but I couldn’t think who. Then, after the news article about the discovery went viral, I got an angry call from Donald Trump’s lawyer and the penny dropped.”

The professor then told the assembled press that he had copied the script and send the copy to The Washington Post so they could cover the discovery in their newspaper.

“Then it all went a bit crazy,” said the professor, “Some journo read the script and immediately drew a comparison between the central character in the ancient script, an idiot called Donald DUMP, and the current leader of the free world and president of the United States, Donald TRUMP. I hadn’t spotted it myself, but once pointed out, the coincidence is unbelievable.”

The professor then added, “The White House was approached by the journalist for a comment. Someone passed along a copy of the script to Trump and apparently he went ballistic. I understand his first call was to his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, then suddenly, lo and behold, the excavation site is swarming with cops in full Ninja outfits cussing and swearing at us, pointing guns at everyone and demanding that we hand over the manuscript. Luckily I’d already moved the script to somewhere safe to preserve it against the modern world’s corrosive atmosphere. I acted dumb and eventually they went away empty handed and sulking. The next thing I know was that nut-job Giuliani’s barking down the phone at me demanding I hand the original manuscript over to him ‘in the interest of national security.’”

The professor went on to add that he had told Giuliani in no uncertain terms to combine the lawyer’s love of himself with his love of sex and ‘go f*ck himself.’

“I may be an academic,” added the professor, “But I’m not dumb! It’s treasure trove and Trump ain’t getting his tiny little hands on it. I know the law.”

After the text in the script was read to the assembled press, it became apparent why Trump would be so anxious about this script. Apart from the sheer freakiness of an ancient manuscript being discovered that pre-dated the existence of upright walking homo sapiens on the planet; AND it had printing on it in English; AND that it was a modern day set movie script correctly formatted to industry standards; AND that the central character was a parody of president Trump; AND this character is a total f*ckwit that manages to blow up the planet; the behaviour and characteristics of Trump and Dump, and their entourages, are so similar it’s easy to see why Trump wants rid of it.

When official White House spokesperson and funbag Sarah ‘Huckleberry Hound’ Sanders was asked at a press briefing about the president’s reaction to the script, she said, “The president has read the script and is entirely relaxed about it. He is confident that no similarities between the central character in the script, a dumb-assed vain idiot called Donald DUMP, and himself is likely to be drawn by the public. Also, it’s unlikely that any major movie studio will option this feature script because, if an analogy WAS to be drawn, it would make the president look a complete clown. In the run up to the 2020 elections who in their right mind would want that?”

It was noted by the assembled press that Ms. Hound had her fingers crossed behind her back.

The Diary Of Anne Frank's Stepsister

The Diary Of Anne Frank's Stepsister

Scarface Reboot To Star All-Female Cast

Scarface Reboot To Star All-Female Cast