Trump Awards Himself Emergency Powers To Divert Military Funds To Buy Great Wall Of China
In a rambling speech made in front of the world’s press, President Donald Trump announced that he had given himself ‘emergency powers’ to divert funds allocated to the military to use to finance the purchase of the great wall of China. Declaring the situation on the American southern border as a ‘national emergency’ Trump granted himself special powers to plunder the already stretched military budget to fund the purchase and transportation to the US of the famous Chinese wall, recognized as one of the seven great wonders of the world.
The great wall of China, constructed with stone, soil, sand and brick, is the longest wall in the world at 13,170 miles in length and stands between 16 and 26 feet in height. The wall is more than 2,300 years old, and was originally built to protect China from invasion from its northern neighbours.
“You can see that sucker from space,” boasted the president, “So a bunch of undocumented illegal drug selling rapist murderers and their scrawny kids shouldn’t miss it. As soon as they see it they’ll think ‘oh that handsome and brainy president of America (that’s me by the way), has outfoxed us yet again. Let’s all go back to whichever craphole country we came from and build ourselves a better life there selling our drugs, raping and murdering.’”
When challenged by the journalist from the UK comic, The Beano, as to why buy the great wall of China rather than build a new one, the president barked, “Their wall has stood for thousands of years. Each brick was hand tooled by inscrutable Chinese craftsmen. It’s the real deal, not like the cheap concrete and steel crap my guys have been trying to palm off on me.”
The president then went on to say, “Oh, and it goes as part of a deal I did with their US based ‘great wall’ salesman. He works for the Chinese guy in charge over there, president what’s his name, Xi Me Pee or something. Whatever, it’s a great deal for us and will help make a great deal of money for America … not all of it, just Ivanka. We buy their wall, and she gets to put up retail outlets to sell her mega-expensive crap to the nouveau riche over there. A chain of her stores will be put up in the hole where their wall was.”
The president then took great pains to point out that the deal he did with the Chinese government’s mysterious 'wall' salesman, an oriental called Fli Bi Nite, was absolutely kosher. Apparently, Trump had met Fli quite by accident whilst queuing up in a late night KFC to get a bucket of fried chicken, fries and some ‘slaw late yesterday evening on his way home after a hard day’s ruining the country.
“We were queuing up for some food and he came over and introduced himself. He’d seen my picture in the paper. He told me he’d just got off the phone to his boss having been given permission to make the approach to the US government about the wall. He offered extremely good terms. We pay $5.2 billion on a ‘sold as seen- buyer collects’ basis. As well as getting the wall, Ivanka gets exclusive rights for all retail set up in the space vacated by it. It’s a great deal all round, although a tad inconvenient as he insisted on the US government paying cash in used, non-consecutive $50 bills up front there and then. I had to get a lorry load of money sent over to conclude the deal.”
When asked how the wall will be de-constructed, transported then reassembled along the Mexican / US border, the president seemed a little vague.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. We’ll probably do it brick by brick like they did with the London bridge we bought off the Brits. We’ll write numbers and stuff on the stones and soil, so we’ll know how it fits back together. As this is a deal using funds originally budgeted for our armed forces we’ll use our soldiers to take it apart. For their safety we outta have a bunch of tanks and stuff out there while they’re doing it just to play safe. You can’t trust these inscrutable types so we’d better send shiploads of our guys, I suppose.”
When it was pointed out that massing a large US military force on the Chinese border then to start pulling down their ‘great wall’ could be seen by the Chinese as an attack, the president seemed to lose control of his temper.
“That’s just typical of you negative press creeps. I’ve half a mind to get one of my red necks to push you roughly to the ground. The issue is border control with Mexico, not a stupid accidental war with China. Don’t you f*ckers know it’s OUR country that’s being invaded! Our Southern border is being compromised every single day with lazy, scrounging Mexican!”
The president was then asked who he would use to reconstruct the wall.
“Mexicans, of course, you idiot! They’re very hard working and conscientious people, and cheap as hell too… They’re so dirt poor you can pay them in tacos, for Chrissake. That’s how I pay ‘em in all the businesses I run. Besides, I couldn’t use our military guys. They’ll have their hands full. There are rumours emerging of a potential war with China heading our way. Regarding the wall, it’ll all be manual labour, no machines, so we’ll need lots of Mexicans, and I mean LOTS! In fact, we’ll probably have to pull in labour from most of the South American countries. We’ll set up camps our side of the border for all the wetbacks and their families, probably have to build houses, roads, schools and stuff. But when that wall’s finished, we will at last be able to stop those evil South American f*ckers sneaking into our beautiful country.”
FBI agents working for Special Investigator Robert Mueller are rumoured to be searching Manhattan for a shady looking gentleman with oriental features driving a large truck stuffed with $50 bills.