Evidence Of Life On Earth That Pre-Dates Mankind Is Discovered In Time Capsule Containing A ‘Trump Parody’ Movie Script
In an astounding discovery today, archaeologists working at the Jurassic Forest, Edmonton Alberta Prehistoric Dinosaur site, unearthed a container made of a substance as yet to be identified by the scientists at the park. When the container was opened in their laboratories, a parchment was discovered inside. Text was written on the parchment which, at first, was thought to be some kind of alien gobbledygook language. But on closer examination, it was discovered that the language was, in fact, English.
The letters were badly formed due to what the scientists believe to be the text having been printed using an ancient dot matrix printer that predates early man. Whilst badly faded the text was still readable and gives the logline and synopsis for a feature movie script.
“This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that time travel exists both now, in the future and in the past, but I suppose that’s obvious, otherwise what would be the point,” waffled Professor Ivan Egghead, the top man when it comes to recently discovered parchments from ancient history with movie scripts written on them.
The professor continued, “The synopsis lays out a tale about an idiot United States president named Donald Dump who picks a fight with the Chinese president, a chap called Mi Hung Long. Anyway, to cut a long story short the whole sorry tale ends up with the earth being destroyed. It very much reminds me of a movie called Dr. Strangelove, hence my belief that time travel was involved somehow.”
The professor went on to say that the dig will now focus all its manpower on searching for the actual script. When asked why, the professor said, “Why? To see if it’s any good! If it is then I’ll try to flog it to a major US studio and make a fortune. What would you do, dumb ass?”
The professor has issued an open invitation to any movie producers interested in the script to contact him and have their check books ready. The contents of the parchment are reproduced in full below.
M.A.D. (Mutually Assured Destruction)
Logline: Life and fiction blur hilariously as new POTUS Donald Dump’s trade war with China escalates. Will it end with both leaders in a cage fight… or ARMAGEDDON!
Summary: Donald Dump, luxury prison tycoon, is on a business trip to Moscow. There his accountant drops the bad news. Dump is broke. However, Russia’s leader, Vladiwell Putitin, has a plan to make Dump mega-rich. He persuades Dump to run for president.
Meanwhile over in Britain there’s a constitutional crisis. Mrs. Trim, the owner of Plumtree Island, a tiny rock off the Welsh coast, demands she’s given a gym. The British refuse. So, she declares Plumtree Island an independent nuclear state. Trim tells the island’s teenage nerd, Alec, to build her a nuclear bomb. In his research he discovers ALL the world’s nuclear weapons can be detonated using a simple satellite phone, in effect a doomsday machine. He builds one. It looks ridiculous, a biscuit tin with a big red button on top. Nevertheless, Mrs. Trim tells the UN unless she gets her gym she’ll blow up the world.
Over in Washington, D.C. the Republicans are selecting their candidate to run for president. A TV debate is scheduled between the hopefuls. They decide to include an idiot, Dump, to make the rest look good, but Dump steals the show by spouting red neck BS, and Dump is given the job.
Meanwhile in the Democrats’ camp, their nominee, a saintly nun, Sister Dithery) has been bribed by Putitin to flop. In the final one-on-one TV debate, she says something so outrageous that Dump’s presidency becomes a shoe-in.
After a hard day making moronic decisions, Dump has a shave using a US made razor. It’s so bad it chews up his face. His security guard offers Dump an alternative, a slick Chinese model. Dump discovers the US buys $ billions worth of these but sells none of the crap US ones back to China. Dump phones the Chinese president, Mi Hung Long, and threatens a trade war unless Mi buys US razors. He sends Mi a sample.
At the Chinese border a guard tries the razor. His face is cut to ribbons. The incident is filmed and goes viral. Mi thinks the gift razor is an assassination attempt by Dump. The two leaders have a furious row in which they challenge each other to a cage fight. Whilst training for this they hear about Trim’s doomsday device. Both men decide to send forces to invade Plumtree island and steal it. Dump puts his daughter Satania in charge of the US commandos, and Mi sends his daughter, Bi Za Bub, to head up their side.
Back in England the Queen hears about the ‘secret’ invasions and decides to watch but when approaching the island her helicopter is accidentally blown up by the attacking sides. While each side is busy blaming the other, Mrs. Trim captures them all.
Having thwarted the invasion, Trim orders the UN to settle the row by means of a cage fight on Plumtree island between Dump and Mi, the the loser paying for Trim’s gym. Satania and Bi Za Bub are thrown in a cell together and instantly fall in love. Together they plan steal the device for themselves.
With the world’s media watching on, Dump and Mi start their brawl. Neither manages to lay a glove on the other, but mid fight, when Dump admits his razors are crap and Mi’s are great, and Mi agrees to buy some of Dump’s, so they make up. But when they remove their glove to shake hands, Mi spots Dump’s hands are tiny and can’t help mocking them, making Dump look a fool in front of the world’s press.
Satania and Bi Za Bub are sneaking past the cage fight stealing the doomsday device just as a furious Dump swings a punch at Mi. The blow misses and Dump and sails through the air out of control. His enormous ass lands on the doomsday machine and KABOOM! The device does exactly what it says on the tin – ARMAGEDDON!