UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

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Dear White People

Dear White People

I love to hear someone romanticizing the era of their youth. They fondly reminisce of a simpler time when everyone knew their neighbors, gay people hadn't been invented yet, and steak was considered heart healthy. This is almost always followed by a rant about how the world is going to hell because school prayer has been outlawed, or because cursive writing is no longer being taught, or because Google. Then I get to crap all over their romanticized youth. And that's a lot of fun for me. I get to say things such as:

“Aw, man. I missed the Holocaust. What a neat and exciting time to be alive. I hope I get the chance to witness the slaughter of six million people in my lifetime.”

Or:

“Yeah, I heard the sixties were great. All those assassinations and race riots. And separate water fountains for whites and “colored.” What happened with that water fountain thing? Everyone drinks bottled water now, so I'm not sure if the whole water fountain thing was ever resolved.

Or:

“I don't know how the human race survived the seventies. Men were so ugly back then. It's true. Watch any TV show or movie from the seventies and try to find a good looking man. It can't be done.”

And now, thanks to the racist shenanigans in the Virginia government I can look fondly back on my own childhood and say, “Ah, the eighties. A time when people were nostalgic for blackface.”

For those who haven't been following the news, I shall sum up what's happening. Last week a college yearbook photo was circulated of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam in blackface standing next to a man in a Klan outfit. I assume it was a man. The face was covered so it could have been a woman, but I don't think even a racist woman would wear such an ugly outfit. The governor immediately put out a statement that was all like, “Sorry. I was an idiot back when I was in medical school. That was messed up.”

The next day Governor Northam gave a press conference where he said, “Okay, so I called some of my college buddies last night and they said it wasn't me in the picture. So I'm going to take back my apology. But there was one time in 1984 when I put shoe polish on my face to look like Michael Jackson for a dance contest. It didn't work. People didn't believe Michael Jackson would enter a dance contest at a medical school in Virginia.”

A reporter who is clearly in the wrong profession asked the governor if he could do the Moonwalk. The governor asked his wife for permission to Moonwalk. She said no.

The governor further stated he only used a little shoe polish because it's hard to get off. Which is something you would only know if you've had a previous experience with shoe polish on your face. It's disturbingly stupid to think an ambitious medical student in 1984 wouldn't know wearing blackface is wrong. It's also really bad for his pores. As a general skincare rule, you should never use shoe products on your face.

Following the Moonwalk press conference most decent people called for the governor to step down. But he was all like, “No. I'm not going anywhere and you can't make me.”

Lt. Governor Justin Fairfax would become the governor if Governor Northam stepped down. However, immediately after the Moonwalk incident Fairfax was accused of sexual assault by a college professor he met at the DNC in 2004. Fairfax claimed the encounter was consensual, then he went out and hired the same attorneys who represented Brett Kavanaugh. So this guy is dead to me.

On MSNBC people were debating which is worse: blackface or sexual assault. I think they are equally heinous. However, some woman said blackface isn't a crime. She's right. It's not a crime. Shoving a lit candle up your butt is not a crime, but most people know not to do it.

Virginia State Attorney General Mark Herring would become governor if both Governor Northam and Lt. Governor Fairfax stepped down. Knowing he was already screwed, Herring held a press conference where he announced there is a picture of him in blackface in his 1980 college yearbook.

Virginia Speaker of the House Kirk Cox would become governor if Governor Northam, Lt. Governor Fairfax and Attorney General Mark Herring all stepped down. Kirk Cox won his seat by guessing how many jelly beans were in a jar or something like that. The race was tied and when a race is tied in Virginia they revert to carnie rules.

Since the Virginia Moonwalk, more blackface yearbook photos from the eighties have been uncovered in various schools and states. Which really makes me wonder about the school officials who allowed these to be published. If I may offer a bit of advice to any recent high school graduates: Before applying to a college, check to see if the college of your choosing is now, or has ever been, cool with blackface. If you find a school has an open blackface policy, then it's probably not the best place to get an education.

The Virginia Moonwalk has been a delight for republicans as Northam, Fairfax and Herring are all democrats. Jelly Bean Speaker Cox is a republican. Republicans are so happy about a democrat scandal they're totally wetting their pants. And my fellow liberals have been responding to the republicans with things such as, “The racist acts of Donald Trump are too numerous to name them all and you have no problem with that. You have no problem with babies in dog kennels. You backed that pedophile in Alabama. And Brett Kavanaugh.”

While I understand you're just pointing out the hypocrisy of the republicans in power, I'm going to need you to stop it. Because it sounds like you're defending democrat racists and rapists and that's not really the message we want to send. Remember when the Access Hollywood tape was released and Trump's “apology” was basically, “Whatever. Bill Clinton is worse than me.” We need to be better than that.

When the pants wetting republicans get all up in your cookies and cream about the VA democrats, you should say, “You're right. They are deplorable people and they have to go. Even if it means we have to revert to carnie rules. I'm willing to do that for the good of my country. Because I'm better than you.” Never miss an opportunity to remind Trump supporters you're better than them.

 

Photo by Craig from Richmond, Virginia`, United States | CC-BY-2.0

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