Trump Hires ISIS To Invade Venezuela
In a bizarre turnaround of events, President Donald Trump has changed his demands for $5.2bn of tax dollars to build his useless wall. Instead he is now demanding the same amount but not for a wall. He wants the money to recruit a ragbag of the cruelest and most violent fanatical religious zealots on the planet to do his dirty work in Venezuela.
“Venezuela is a craphole country run by a lunatic Trot whose name I can’t even remember,” barked Trump at a hastily convened news conference in The White House. Pushing The White House official spokeswoman and funbag Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders aside, Trump took the lectern and bellowed to the assembled press pack, “But if they think he’s bad, let ‘em see what I got planned down there!”
The orange faced blubber-mouth then sniffled, “It’s breaking my heart. People are starving in the streets... babies, beautiful little babies, did I mention them? These poor idiots could be working for us in the oilfields we intent to steal down there… not the babies though…. But we could sell them on ebay, couldn’t we? Detail… whatever. We gotta save ‘em anyway, and what better way to do it than a nice ‘shock and awe’ followed by an invasion!... did I mention the babies?”
An ‘apolitical’ but more intelligent strategic thinking spokesperson from the military, General Mayhem, then took over, adding, “It’s an exquisite solution. Everyone’s a winner, with the exception of Nicolas Maduro, of course. He’ll probably get strung up by his balls from a lamp post or something bad like that.”
The General continued, “Look, we’ve bombed the crap out of ISIS in Syria and Iraq, right? That’s been a win-win all round. All our weapons manufacturing companies over here made a fortune. Not only has the US military spent billions of tax dollars on American made killing stuff, but the Kurds and other so-called liberating organizations, including ISIS itself, have been buying our killing crap by the shipload. When ISIS is finally crushed over there they’ll have a lot of death’s head fanatics kicking their heels in the desert with no one to subjugate with their mad cruelty. However, these religious nuts still have billions of their Saudi backers’ dollars to use up. We could have a great little war down in Venezuela. It’d be just like Vietnam, except this time there’s a bonus at the end instead of an butt-kicking. I’m talking oil here, guys! We’d get our hands on their oil.
With the insane glint we have come to expect in the eyes of all top brass US military leaders, the General continued, “To start, not a single US soldier would be involved, so the politics works well for us Republicans - oops! I shouldn’t have said that, should I? Anyway, this war would probably run on for a few years till the place is an even bigger craphole and most of the civilians are dead. Now this is the clever part. We spin the usual rebel rousing claptrap about being no longer able to sit idly by and watch all this death and destruction, right? Then we go charging down there with a fresh load of US manufactured killing and bombing the bejeezus out of the place for another couple of years. Then, and only then, when we’re sure there’s nobody left alive down there, we send our wonderful GIs marching in and steal their oil. As well as the oil revenue, we claim the moral high ground. Then, in the name of democracy, put our own dumb puppet president in place. You know what I mean? As corrupt as hell, giving all the reconstruction contracts to our US companies. Smart, right? Then we repopulate the country with all the low life dead beats trying to make it across the Mexican border into America. See! No need for a wall! It was all Donnie’s idea. The son-of-a-gun sure knows how to turn a crisis into a capitalist dollar!”
Following this announcement President Maduro was asked to comment, which he did thus:
“With the exception of the bit where I get strung up by my balls, it seems like a decent enough plan. I believe Pierre Joseph-Proudhon was right when he said, ‘property is theft,’ so I’ve been doing my best to rid Venezuela of all of it on my own. But I’ve screwed the economy so badly I haven’t any money left to buy the military hardware needed to finally shaft the country. I’m wiped out. My butt is hanging out of my pants! I can’t afford to book ISIS. Now the country’s finally flat broke it’ll be a terrific help to have the Yankees lend me a hand. With ISIS and the US together bombing the crap out of the bit that’s left, the job’ll be finished in no time. Yes, I AM insane.”