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Trump Disbands Five Major US Army Bases To Divert Attention From His Crapstorm

Trump Disbands Five Major US Army Bases To Divert Attention From His Crapstorm


In an astonishing tweet from the Commander-in-Chief this morning (Christmas Eve 2018), President Trump announced he was closing down the five largest US military bases. These are:

Fort Bragg (North Carolina, U.S.) Population: 238,646; Area: 163,000 acres.

Fort Campbell (Kentucky, U.S.) Population: 234,914; Area: 105,000 acres.

Fort Hood Military Base (Texas, U.S.) Population: 217,003; Area: 214,968 acres.

Joint Base Lewis-McChord (Washington, U.S.) Population: 209,486; Area: 414,000 acres.

Fort Benning (Georgia, U.S.) Population: 107,627; Area: 182,000 acres.

The president failed to give details of why he has announced the immediate closure of these five bases beyond, ‘I’m sending the boys and girls home for Christmas, and they needn’t bother going back.’

Amid a furious backlash from senior army figures, bewilderment from his Republican colleagues and scathing criticism from senior Democrats, the president shrugged his shoulders and walked off the podium when pressed for a better explanation by journalists.

It would appear to political commentators that the recent resignations of Mattis and McGurk have not deterred Trump from making bizarre decisions of major importance to the country without consulting or even pre-warning his senior administration prior to their announcement.

When asked for his comments, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Joseph Dunford’s eyes glazed over like a startled fawn caught in the headlights of life.

“I don’t know what to say,” he mumbled, after taking a slug from his hip flask, “It’s as if he is single-handedly decimating the US military, almost as though he doesn’t want America to have an army any more. The first duty of any president is to protect his people, and a strong army is essential for this. Yet he’s just sacked most of it! I think he’s lost the plot.”

However, a spokesman from the ‘Live On Your Knees Society’ of Goofball, Mass., Eustace B’stard, was quick to point out the benefits.

“There hasn’t been a single battle fought against foreign adversaries in these forts since they were built. They’re a complete waste of the taxpayers’ money. Send all these soldiers home and convert the forts to donkey sanctuaries, organic tulip farms or something useful like that.”

When pressed for an explanation even the fat mouthy fun-bag Sarah Huckleberry Hound Sanders was stumped for a decent lie.

“The president is a strategic thinker. He’s ten jumps ahead of you tosspots so get off my back while I eat this pie,” was her only comment on the subject.

However, some hint as to the rationale behind the Presidents sudden announcement came during a press conference with the Russian president and incompetent assassin puppet-master Vladimir Putin. Between gulps of Champagne, the leader of the Russians was asked for his opinion on Trump’s surprise move.

“Look at the position Trump’s in,” said the balding kleptocrat, “He’s got Mueller up his butt, losing court cases left right and centre, having to wind up his free money machine (Trump Foundation) and the stock market’s about to take a dive. Closing down the bases is a smart move.”

When it was put to Putin that the loss of this colossal number of servicemen would render the US incapable of supporting its allies, specifically in Europe. Should the Russians decided to become more aggressively expansionist and start rolling its tanks into the Baltic states, Poland or the Ukraine, there would be no strong, well equipped force to check Soviet ambitions.

“You might say that, but I couldn’t possibly comment,” said a laughing Putin after a particularly loud belch.

As much as the above is fiction, the sad fact is that when The Turks start to pound the crap out of the Kurdish forces who have fought so valiantly to protect the world from the brutally insane soldiers of Daesh, the world should not expect Trump to come rolling over the hills with his cavalry to save their brave and honourable butts.

The Coldest Story Ever Told

The Coldest Story Ever Told

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