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The Amazing Racist

The Amazing Racist

We're just weeks away from 2019, which means candidates will be throwing their hats in the ring for the 2020 election. Because presidential elections take two years for some inexplicable reason. The number of Democrat candidates expected to run is currently in the double digits. I would like to take this opportunity to ask the majority of hopeful candidates not to waste our time with their nonsense. We need a serious contender to beat whoever the president is in 2020. Unless it's Nancy Pelosi. Starting next month she's third in line for the job. All we need is a Trump/Pence impeachment. Boom. First woman president.

Since that's a long shot, I'd like to remind the democratic hopefuls of the countless Republicans who ran in 2016. And how they were all drowned out by the loudest craziest guy in the room. If the field is flooded with candidates we could end up with the liberal equivalent of Donald Trump, which I think, is Rosie O'Donnell. While that would be a hilarious blow to Trump's ego, I'm not sure it's best for America.

If you're still not convinced, lets' take a look back at the 2016 Republican Primary.

Previously on the Republican Apprentice... Over fifty-two weeks the candidates fought to win the approval of the uneducated electorate. They faced tough challenges each week, such as: convincing the American public Planned Parenthood is eating babies or the Biblical Joseph built the Egyptian pyramids to store grain. Some went down without a fight. Others rose to the occasion with name calling, verbal abuse, mud slinging and bloodshed. Literally, blood was shed. In the end no money was raised for charity, but the Kennedy assassination was solved. We began with seventeen contestants. Who will win? And who will be named The Biggest Loser?

Rick Perry, Scott Walker, Lindsey Graham, George Pataki and Bobby “I-Have-A-Tan-I'm-Not-Indian” Jindal were all voted off the island before a single vote was cast.

This was Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee's second bid for the republican nomination. Reality TV viewers grew familiar with Governor Huckabee through his association to the Duggar family of 19 Kids and Counting. And by "association" I mean his shameless defense of a serial child molester. After a poor showing in Iowa Huckabee joined Team Trump. He defended Trump's racist rhetoric by claiming Trump isn't as sensitive to racism because he's not from the south. And this makes sense because... no.

Senator Rand Paul came out swinging and called Donald Trump an orange-faced windbag. Trump counter punched by pointing out Paul's polling numbers were so low he shouldn't even be on the debate stage. Then Paul's numbers got so low he wasn't on the debate stage. Then Iowa voted and Rand Paul didn't receive a rose. Rand then supported Trump's bid for office because he is a shameless immoral coward.

Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum dropped out of the race the same day as Rand Paul. No one noticed.

Carly Fiorina was fired from her CEO position at Hewlett Packard and she ran a failed senate campaign. This extensive background in failure helped when she failed to convince the public she saw a video of Planned Parenthood employees eating embryos. She also failed to produce said video. Fiorina later joined Team Cruz and was his VP pick for seven whole days before his campaign failed. Donald Trump noted Fiorina could never be president because she's ugly. Look for Carly on an upcoming episode of the E! plastic surgery series Botched.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ran under the campaign slogan, "Telling it like it is." And Christie went after Trump hard. He reminded uneducated voters not to vote for an "entertainer in chief" and told them Trump doesn't have the first idea of how to run a government. He called Trump "unqualified in temperament and experience." Then Christie fell for Trump. Hard. Like he was so in love with Donald Trump it was literally painful to watch. The cast of Jersey Shore will be holding an intervention for their fallen governor on an upcoming episode of A&E's Intervention.

Two days later, Jim Gilmore dropped out of the race. Begging the question, who is Jim Gilmore? And how did he last so long?

At the start of the race everyone thought Florida Governor Jeb! Bush was the one to beat. The Donnie went after him immediately. And he went after him Omarosa style. He called Jeb! a low energy light weight. Donnie blamed Jeb! for the Iraq war started by his brother, George W. Bush. Trump also claimed George W. was responsible for the 7-Eleven attacks. That's why you can't get a Super Big Gulp in New York to this day. Jeb! wasn't having any of it. He fought back. Sort of. He looked down with a goofy grin and shook his head a lot. If you listen closely during the republican debates you can hear him mumble, "I can't believe this is happening. I should have been president. My idiot brother screws up everything."

Jeb! pulled out all the stops to win in South Carolina. He added an exclamation point to his name. He came up with a great new slogan, "Jeb! Can Fix It. Sorry My Brother Broke It." He somehow managed to get former First Lady Barbara Bush to campaign for him. But it was all over when Donnarosa teased him for campaigning with his "mommy." Jeb! dropped out of the race after a poor showing in South Carolina and joined Team Cruz. Jeb! has turned his attention to competing on the upcoming season of America's Got Talent. He will dance The Macarena. Please clap.

Dr. Ben Carson ran on breaking down stereotypes. For example, the stereotype that all brain surgeons are smart has been crushed. Like Fiorina and Trump, Dr. Carson has no background in elected office. In his autobiography he told of his wild youth. He attempted to bludgeon his mother with a hammer and stab a friend. He also claimed he'd been offered a scholarship to West Point despite the fact that West Point doesn't award scholarships. The liberal media dug into these stories and found no corroborating evidence. Dr. Carson got angry and you wouldn't like him when he's angry. He called it a media witch hunt to dig into his childhood even if he wrote a book about it and signed off on a TV movie starring Cuba Gooding, Jr.

Despite running on a life story that was completely untrue, Dr. Carson was poised to do well in Iowa. That was before he was dealt a one-two punch by both Ted Cruz and The Donnie. The Cruz campaign started a rumor that Dr. Carson was dropping out of the race the morning of the caucus. The Donnie called Dr. Carson a pathological, whatever that means, and compared him to a child molester.

Dr. Carson was unable to recover and soon, he too, dropped out of the race. He then joined Team Trump. When asked how he could support Trump after the things he'd said about him Dr. Carson responded, "There are two Donald Trumps." He wasn't speaking metaphorically. The doctor literally believes Donald Trump has an evil twin. Luckily, you don't have to be a brain surgeon to be a model. Congratulations, Dr. Ben Carson, you're still in the running toward becoming America's Next Top Model.

Florida Senator "Lil" Marco Rubio would probably had lasted longer if he hadn't made one fatal mistake. During a campaign stop he made a joke about Donald Trump's tiny hands in relation to his tine orange penis. The rest is tiny orange history. "Lil" Marco will be performing his stand up routine on an upcoming episode of Little Big Shots with Steve Harvey.

Texas Senator Ted “Lucifer-In-The Flesh” Cruz vowed to see the race through to the convention in July. Though no mathematical way to the nomination existed, he told us repeatedly the race would go to a contested convention. Lucifer and The Donnie traded blows for months culminating in a winner take all fight in Indiana, which some referred to as Raiders of the Lost Trailer Park.

After losing five boardrooms or "primaries" the previous week, Lucifer Cruz was leaving nothing to chance. He formed alliances with former adversaries John Kasich and Carly Fiorina. Kasich, who was still in the race for reasons known only to him, agreed not to campaign in Indiana. Why Kasich chose not to campaign before the alliance is anyone's guess. Then in an a surprising twist, Cruz chose three time loser Carly Fiorina as his running mate.

The day before the primary, Lucifer tried to debate with Trump supporters on the street. But this proved to be as effective as debating Trump himself. After losing the parking lot debate to a man in a dirty sweatshirt, Cruz redeemed himself by fighting with a ten-year-old boy at a rally later that day. The little boy in question was removed by security after he yelled, "You suck," at Lucifer.

The Donnie proved to be a tougher competitor than Lucifer thought. Trump dropped a bombshell the day of the primary. Rafael Cruz, father of Lucifer, was involved in the Kennedy assassination. Donnie knows this because he read it in a "credible publication," The National Enquirer.

Trump overwhelmingly won the Indiana primary and Lucifer Cruz dropped out of the race, which means one or possibly both of the following things must be true:

Rafael Cruz was actually involved in the Kennedy assassination.


Ted Cruz really is "Lucifer In The Flesh," as John Boehner pronounced him. The good people of Indiana met in a cornfield, sprinkled some holy water on a Ted Cruz doll carved from a corncob and shouted to the skies, "The power of Christ compels you!" Then Lucifer quietly slunk away to Canada. Or Texas. Or Cuba. Or a Ramada Inn in Indianapolis. I don't know. The devil is everywhere.

The day after Lucifer dropped out of the race, John Kasich finally realized there was no point in continuing his pancake tour of America. He will be a guest judge on an upcoming episode of Master Chef.

And finally, The Cheese Stands Alone. Donald J. Trump became the presumptive nominee of the republican party. After eleven months of lying, bragging, bullying, threatening nuclear war with our allies, building imaginary walls to keep out our neighbors, belittling women, belittling the handicapped, belittling veterans and belittling Hispanics, Donald J. Trump was crowned The Amazing Racist.


Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America | CC-BY-SA-2.0

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