UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Public Enemy

Public Enemy

According to Wikipedia, the term Public Enemy was first widely used in the United States in the 1930s to describe individuals whose activities were seen as criminal and extremely damaging to society. In the 1980s Public Enemy was widely known as a rap group whose members included Chuck D and Flavor Flav. In the beginning of this century, Flavor Flav was widely known as a reality star due to his idiotic antics on several VH1 shows. Flav was also widely known to use words that don't exist, such as, dramatical.

President Trump is also a man who is extremely damaging to society, an idiotic reality star and a maker-upper of words. Trump learned some new words this week, such as, abuse of power and obstruction of justice when Michael Cohen made another guilty plea and threw himself on the mercy of the court. And it looks like Paul Manafort is itching to do the same, which caused Trump to ratchet up his tweets claiming the Mueller investigation is a witch hunt. Since Trump feels so strongly that he is the target of a witch hunt, I think we should take his word for. Let's just burn him at the stake and be done with it.

It's important to remember Trump brought this witch hunt on himself by firing James Comey. On this special witch hunt week, let's take a look back at what started it all and remember the James Comey's testimony before congress in June of 2017.

Comey provided a written statement to the Senate Intelligence Committee the day before he testified. The following is a condensed, paraphrased version of that statement:

“I began documenting all interactions with President Trump after our first meeting. Because Donald Trump is a man who once stood in the pouring rain and claimed it wasn't raining, it occurred to me he may be inclined to lie about other things. I did tell Donnie he wasn't personally under investigation at this time. Looking back, that was a mistake as I was talking to a man who interprets the weather to his liking. He interpreted “not personally under investigation at this time” to mean I was promising to never investigate him and closing the Russia investigation.

On January 27, Trump tried to seduce me with a romantic dinner. After plying me with wine, he demanded I beg for my job and pledge my undying loyalty to The Trump Organization and all it's subsidiaries. We reached a compromise where I promised honest loyalty. Looking back that was a mistake as I have no idea what honest loyalty even means.

On February 14, Trump threw his entire posse out of the Oval Office so he could speak to me privately about Mike Flynn. Trump said, “He is a good guy and has been through a lot. I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go.” I agreed Flynn was a good guy. Looking back, that was a mistake as I was talking to a man who interprets the weather to his liking. He interpreted, “he's a good guy” to mean I was closing the investigation.

After this meeting, I asked Jeff Sessions to never leave me alone with the president again. I told him it was getting too creepy for me and I'm the FBI Director. I've seen some things. Looking back, that was a mistake because Jeff is a shady coward.

On March 30, the president called me complaining about the Russia investigation. He stated Russian escorts were creating a cloud over his administration. He wanted to know what I could do to “lift the cloud.” I advised the president if he just paid the women what he owes them, then they'd probably go away on their own. He further asked me to publicly state he's not personally under investigation. I said, “I don't know, man. We'll see.” Looking back, that was a mistake as the president clearly didn't recognize I was blowing him off.

On April 11, President Trump called me to ask what I had done about his requests of March 30. I told him to call the Acting Deputy Attorney General and to please leave me alone. He stated he would do that and added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.”

I have no what he meant by “that thing.” My only guess is perhaps he had confused me with Jeff Sessions.”

Almost all the information shared in the open session had already been made public in Comey's written statement. I'm assuming all the really juicy stuff was revealed in the closed session. Or the closed session was just an excuse for the senate to have a half day. And the ate pizza and watched a Hallmark movie. We'll only know for sure if members of the Senate Intelligence Committee start quoting lines from Just Desserts: A Murder She Baked Mystery.

Donald Trump Jr. live tweeted Comey's testimony using the hashtag, nothingburger. This is not a phrase I'm familiar with because I completed the eighth grade over twenty-five years ago. So I looked up other tweets under #nothingburger. My favorite was from @ArdentAmerican who tweeted:

“Stop saying nothingburger. Stop saying nothingburger. STOP SAYING NOTHINGBURGER!!! #NothingBurger”

Thank you, @ArdentAmerican.

During the session Comey was asked why people should believe him over Trump. Comey responded, “I think people should look at the whole body of my testimony. As I used to say to juries, when I talked about a witness, you can't cherry pick it. You can't say, I like these things he said but on this, he's a rotten liar.”

Trump immediately proved his point by cherry picking Comey's testimony. And I quote, “But we were very, very happy, and, frankly, James Comey confirmed a lot of what I said, and some of the things that he said just weren’t true.”

 
Scranton PA Demolished After Pack Of Gritty's Level The City

Scranton PA Demolished After Pack Of Gritty's Level The City

Trump Passes Bill To Reset The Internet

Trump Passes Bill To Reset The Internet