Trump Refuses To Rule Out Presidential Pardon For Satan
In an interview with the world’s press before boarding Air Force One heading to Argentina for the G20 talks a buoyant President Donald Trump surprised the assembled journalists by saying his scheduled fringe one-on-one meeting with Beelzebub would not now take place.
“I think it would be inappropriate to meet His Dark Satanic Majesty at this point in time,” said the Commander-in-Chief, “There’s a very vocal bunch of mealy-mouthed liberals want him banished to the underworld and he’s getting a lot of bad press. It’s the Democrats, of course. Crooked Hillary is carrying out another of her hate campaign against the guy spreading a lot of stories about him being the anti-Christ, but it’s all political, all fake news.”
The president then went on to show his full support for the Devil, emphasizing the great business benefits that can be attributed to the Lord of Darkness, and hinting that he may grant a full pardon to Satan for his earthy sins.
“Look at what this guy has done for America alone,” said the President, “Drugs, booze, gambling, prostitution, pornography, modern slavery. These are all multi-billion dollar industries in their own right, providing hundreds of thousands of jobs in our country,” barked the president, “Yet all I ever hear from the wet liberal, sandal-shuffling, live-on-your-knees Democrats is whining about the guy.”
The President then went on to point out other benefits the Devil has brought to America.
“All the sinning aside, there’s a whole industry build up around fighting the guy,” said the President, “Open your eyes. There’s practically a church on every street corner in some states. Every one of these is doing great business, taking big money, and that’s not just over here. Look at the Catholic church in Italy. Have you ever been to the Vatican? Their Pope may bang on about uplifting the poor but have you seen the opulence he lives in? That place is beyond obscenely wealthy. It makes Trump Tower and Mar-a-Lago look like cheap bus depots! And it’s all down to Beelzebub.
Satan can be proud of being indirectly responsible for the creation of these spin-off businesses, and single-handedly being the driving force behind their growth. Not many fallen angels can boast that level of success. The guy’s a legend, and it’s time to recognize his contribution to world economics. If it takes a presidential pardon to bring the guy out of the shadows and onto the world stage where he legitimately belongs, then so be it.”
When pressed as to whether his use of the name Satan was allegorical and a substitute tag for, say, the warmongering expansionist Putin or the murdering Clown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome of Sadli Backwardia, Trump burst out laughing.
“These jokers aren’t even in the same league as Mr. B,” chortled Trump, “You can’t compare smearing ‘unknown substances’ on a Russian traitor’s front door or offing a mouthy Saudi journalist then cutting up his body to the global epidemic of drug addiction, and that’s just one of Beelzebub’s business successes.”
When pressed on the subject of a meeting between the President and the Prince of Darkness, Trump reiterated that he had cancelled a planned fringe meeting at the G20 with the dark lord and had no plans to re-schedule a one-on-one currently. But he went on to add that he hasn’t ruled one out for early in the new year.
“It all depends on what that ratbag Mueller comes up with,” said the president, “If things turn out to be as bad as they’re looking right now I may have to set up a meeting with the boss (Satan) to make a pact, then call in a favour or two. If it turns out I need a one-off special prosecutor focused plague of boils or something like that then Satan is the ‘go to’ guy.”
When asked by the ever present cub reporter from the UK comic The Beano as to whether such a pact would cost the President his soul, Trump replied, “What soul?”