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Friends In Low Places

Friends In Low Places

Roger Stone is expected to make a plea deal with Robert Mueller. Or he may have already done so by the time this is posted. I hope the plea doesn't exclude any prison time. Roger Stone had a giant tattoo of Nixon on his back. I really want to know how that plays out in prison.

The Roger Stone plea deal has me reminiscing of another long ago time when Donald Trump's friends turned against him. Journey with me all the way back to August 2018. In a single week Paul Manafort was found found guilty on eight charges. Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to all kinds of dirty shenanigans. Trump's CFO and his Pecker were both granted immunity in the Mueller investigation. And Omarosa released a tell-all book accompanied by secret recordings.

In the midst of all this chaos Trump gave an exclusive interview to Fox & Friends. I shall transcribe the interview the way I heard it in my head. The interview took place in the White House rose garden and was conducted by the pretty lady with the vacant eyes, who shall hereinafter be referred to as Vacant Eyes.

I Never Promised You a Rose Garden

Vacant Eyes: Mr. President, thank you so much for sitting down with me. How are you doing?

DJT: Fantastic. I'm doing tremendous things right now. The economy has never been stronger and people are telling me, it's like, it's the best they've felt about America since perhaps, Abe Lincoln, was in the White House. So, I'm doing great, Ainsley. And I have to tell you, you look great yourself.

Vacant Eyes: How do you handle all of that?

DJT: You know, my whole life, it's like, there's always been controversy. People say to me, “Trump, there's always controversy around you.” And, perhaps, that's true. And you may not know this, but that's been true of all the great leaders through the whole history of America. I mean, look at Abe Lincoln. People say he was one of the great presidents. Many people don't know, but he was a Republican. Amy, did you know that? Even democrats are like, Lincoln was great. But at the time, he was despised by like, half the country. It's true. So he was able to overcome that. And I see a lot of myself in Lincoln. Controversy is, perhaps, not such a bad thing.

Vacant Eyes: Well, speaking of – yesterday – huge news day. There's a lot breaking today, as well. Michael Cohen – tell me about your relationship with him.

DJT: I barely knew the guy, okay. He was one of my lawyers and the fake news calls him my fixer. They add that. They say lawyer and then they add fixer. And he only worked for my for like ten years or something. I really, I don't know him that well. He did some work for me, but he was more like, it was part time. And I wasn't his only client, you know. There was like Sean Hannity and one other guy. So and he had other businesses. Like the taxi thing. He ran taxis. And they found out some things about the taxi business that were not so great. So most of the charges, they were about his taxi business. And then they tack on the last two were about campaign. And those are really, they aren't even a crime. That I can tell you.

Vacant Eyes: He said – one story said you didn't know anything about the payments and now he's saying that you directed him to make these payments. Did you direct him to make these payments?

DJT: He made payments and such as my attorney, but I didn't always know because when you have as many businesses as Trump. So you can say he was making these payments on my behalf, but also, it was his decision not Trump's.

Vacant Eyes: Did you know about the payments?

DJT: Well, I knew about them – I think I heard about them on your show, Angie. And they didn't come out of campaign. When I first heard about them that's the first thing I asked. Did they come from campaign? Because that's a little dicey even though it's not a crime. And I self-funded my campaign, but also, you're dealing with donors.

Vacant Eyes: Why is he doing this? He was your attorney.

DJT: It's called flipping. He's a flipper. You remember that TV show, Flipper? I think it was about a dolphin or a seal. And how can a dolphin be the star of the show? He can't even talk. And when you look at Mr. Ed. He was a horse, but he was a talking horse. So you had a show there. And then there's this show about a flipping dolphin and Trump never won an Emmy. I don't know anyone who watched The Amazing Race. You look at The Apprentice. It was the number one show. And I hired Michael Cohen around the time I started The Apprentice to take care of some deals. So they get him on these other charges, which, by the way, have nothing to do with Trump or collusion. No collusion. He's looking at something, like forty years, and they say – it's called flipping. They say you say something bad about Trump and we'll drop that down to five years. I've known flippers for fifty years, my whole life really, and it really ought to be illegal. And the two charges they tack on about campaign finance aren't even crimes. He should never have plead guilty to those. That I can tell you.

Vacant Eyes: If you're saying the payments – if they're not illegal, then why would he even – why would he use that information for a plea deal?

DJT: He's – I hate to say it, but he's kind of a wimp. I mean, look how quickly he folded. But that's why I have such respect for Paul Manafort. They raided his house at five o'clock in the morning. On a Sunday. With his wife in bed. And they have guns and storm troopers. And for what? No collusion. Not a single charge with Manafort or Cohen have anything to do with Trump or collusion. And why isn't Mueller investigating the other side. I mean, what Hillary Clinton got away with – emails. And no one's looking into that. Barrack Obama took hundreds of thousands of dollars from campaign donors. He spent that money on signs. Signs. If you can believe it. And you know what those signs said? Vote For Obama. That's what they said in big letters. Vote For Obama. You tell me. How is that legal?

Vacant Eyes: Double standard?

DJT: Sure, it's a double standard. When the failing New York Times – they never want to write stories about all my successes. Black unemployment is at the lowest in any time in history. Woman unemployment is at the lowest at any time in history. And don't forget, Annie, I had a black woman working in the White House – Omarosa, if you can believe it. And, perhaps, that makes me in some ways, a better president than Lincoln. You know, he didn't have a black or a woman working in his White House. Omarosa – she'd be nothing without Trump. You know, she worked in the Clinton White House. A lot of people don't know that. She was fired from that White House, too and nobody calls Bill Clinton a racist. And people say, “Oh, but, Mr. Trump, Bill Clinton didn't call her a dog.” I don't know that. The fact is – no one ever heard of Omarosa before Trump. Bill Clinton could have called her lots of things and we wouldn't know because who ever heard of Omarosa at that time? How do we know Bill Clinton wasn't the first person to call her the N-word? And the Fake News – they act like Trump is the first person to ever use the N-word in history. And I'm not saying I said it, but when you go back and look at the leaders in the past – that word was used a lot. People are worried about is there a tape with Trump using the N-word. But no one ever heard of a black woman working in the White House before Trump. They don't want to give me credit for that.

Vacant Eyes: Are you considering pardoning Paul Manafort?

DJT: Well, that's something to consider, Abbey. None of the charges had anything to do with Trump. And frankly, I don't know what's in it for me to pardon him. No Russia. No collusion. It's a hoax. It's been a hoax from the very beginning. When I have an attorney general who recused himself. I'll tell you – he shouldn't have taken the job if he was going to recuse himself. I gave him the job out of loyalty, okay. I'm a very loyal person. But the guy – he has no loyalty. And I – it's like I need control over my “justice” department, okay. I put “justice” in quotes now because there's no “justice.” There's no “justice” at all. And maybe – I hate to say it, but it's possible Jeff Sessions wants me out of office. Attorney General is third in line for the presidency. A lot of people don't know that. And I think Jeff may be trying to stage a coup. That's what they called it in the old days – a coup. He'd have to get rid of me, which will be tough. My approval ratings are through the roof. But if he pulled it off, which he won't, then he'd only have to get rid of Mike Pence, which – not so tough. Then Jeff Sessions would be president. It's called a coup.

Vacant Eyes: Seventy-six days away from the midterms. Hard to believe. If the democrats take back power, do you believe they will try to impeach you?

DJT: It's something like high crimes... I've never been high in my life, by the way. Never had a drink. Don't smoke. I had a brother, Fred. He was one of the great guys. But he was an alcoholic. And he died young, Fred did. Because he drank, perhaps, a bit too much. So he died. And people say to me, “Oh, but Mr. Trump, you didn't let your brother's family receive their share of your father's inheritance.” And I'm like, so what? The man was my father not Fred's kid's father. Who, I guess, are my nieces and nephews or – I don't really know them. They need to make their own way with what their father left them. Which, I assume, was an empty liquor cabinet. But if they brand it right - as a Trump liquor cabinet, it could be worth millions. Probably more than the small inheritance they would have received. And I'll tell you, Audrey, if I ever were impeached this country would end up as poor, if not poorer than my brother's children. That I can tell you.

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