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Trump Commissions Moat Along Texas-Tijuana Border, Demands Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams

Trump Commissions Moat Along Texas-Tijuana Border, Demands Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams

US President Donald Trump has commissioned the construction of a moat along the Texas-Tijuana border and demands that it be "filled with sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads," according to a statement released by The White House on Monday. Officials along the border said that the moat has been filled with salt water, but they still have yet to acquire the sharks with laser beams. The president is reportedly very upset that the moat hasn't received any sharks or laser beams as of this writing.

"I don't ask for much," tweeted Trump. "All I wanted was sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads and I wasn't able to get that. The crooked Dems will stop at nothing to stop the America First agenda, and this includes preventing a wall and a moat with sharks."

According to multiple reports, Trump's border policy will cost the world a combined $100 billion. The president has also reportedly come into the possession of a hairless cat and a clone who is one-eighth his size.

Trump's decision to construct a moat along the Texas-Tijuana border was met with sharp criticism from multiple media outlets and Democratic politicians except for Hillary Clinton who thought it was "kinda funny." The former secretary of state was reportedly in Europe encouraging anti-immigration policies as a means to stop right-wing populists from taking her allies' political jobs.

MSNBC's Rachel Maddow broke down in tears when discussing the border moat. "You're a monster, Mr. President," said Maddow. "Do you hear me? A monster! How could you?"

New York Senator Chuck Schumer released a press statement that requested Trump "to open up [his] heart, if not the border. We don't need a wall and we definitely don't need a moat filled with laser beam sharks."

Trump released a video responding to critics. In the tape, Trump said, "Oh, do you think what I'm planning is evil?" The president then put his pinky up to his mouth and everyone in the room broke out laughing, including White House staffers and Mike Pence.

As of this writing, the moat along the Texas-Tijuana border still hasn't been filled with sharks with laser beams attached to their heads. Meanwhile, thousands of migrants remain in the border city where they are sometimes confronted by right-wing Mexican nationalists.

The president reportedly has plans to order the construction of more moats along the Mexican-American border, some filled with alligators and/or piranhas. However, he has applied particular emphasis in requesting that the moats be filled with "sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads" and to "throw [him] a frickin' bone here."

 

Photo by Tomascastelazo | CC-BY-SA-4.0

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