Fears Rise For Safety Of Two Missing Pardoned Thanksgiving Turkeys Not Seen Leaving The White House
There has been a series of disturbing press releases from the White House concerning the two turkeys, ‘Peas’ and ‘Carrots,’ scheduled to be pardoned by President Donald Trump in the run up to Thanksgiving. These press statements would seem to indicate all did not go well with the traditional pardoning of these two turkeys that, were they not spared, would wind up as the centrepiece of somebody’s Thanksgiving celebratory dinner.
An explanation was called for from the White House after concerns were raised about the whereabouts of these two animals. CCTV footage has the two birds waddling in through the White House side entrance but no record of their departure, and no knowledge of where they now are. Friends of the two turkeys are extremely concerned as the birds haven’t been sighted and cannot be contacted.
The series of White House statements started with this moderately benign press release:
“Peas and Carrots left the White House about an hour after they arrived. They were both fit and well when they left.”
The Trump administration press department then released blurry CCTV images of what appeared to be two secret service agents dressed as turkeys wandering the streets close by the White House.
A close friend of the two turkeys, Ms. Gabby Gobblegobble, was quick to raise concerns about the credibility of the White House’s press release, voicing her fears for the safety of the two animals.
“I waited outside the White House for them all afternoon but neither left, I’m sure of that,” said a tearful Ms. Gobblegobble, “It’s not like them to miss being force fed. I think something untoward has happened to them both.”
Soon after Ms. Gobblegobble had raised her concerns to the watchful media, the White House press office released another statement as follows:
“Peas and Carrots arrived at the White House in a belligerent mood. As soon as they entered the building they both set upon a cleaning lady, pecking her head aggressively. Unfortunately, she beat them both to death with a mop. We have no idea what might have happened to their bodies. They may have been thrown out with the trash.”
When there was a general rejection of this obvious and implausible lie by the world’s media, a further press statement was released by the White House as follows:
“Peas and Carrots turned up at the White House depressed and suicidal. They may have both committed suicide whilst being given a tour of the White House kitchens. We have no idea how delicious they were.”
Ms. Gobblegobble was quick to denounce this latest press release, saying, “It’s rubbish! Both birds were very happy on the morning of the visit. Why wouldn’t they be? They were both looking forward to the Thanksgiving celebrations and had made plans for Christmas.”
The final statement from the White House about the missing birds was as follows:
“Peas and Carrots both fell ill on arrival at the White House. Our veterinary team worked tirelessly to try and save them but unfortunately the two birds passed away. We have absolutely no idea whether or not they had tender, succulent breast meat and were delectable with crunchy roast potatoes and a Cranberry sauce.”
Still not satisfied with the White House’s versions of the fate of the two turkeys, Ms. Gobblegobble said, “The statements from the White House are nothing more than blatant risible lies. I believe my two turkey friends undoubtedly met a sticky end inside the White House. Further, I believe it was Trump himself who gave the orders to do away with my two feathered buddies. It’s common knowledge that the Russians have hidden microphones in every room in the White House. They have sent me a tape of a conversation at a dinner table, which I believe to be genuine, in which Donald Trump can clearly be heard asking for peas and carrots with his peas and carrots, a sick joke at the expense of my late friends. Has this man no moral compass? He deserves stuffing.”
Inevitably Clown Prince Irritable Bowel Syndrome of Sadli Backwardia was quick to come to the defence of Trump, issuing a statement from his gold plated Jacuzzi thus:
“It’s plausible… Nice one, Donnie. Save me a leg.”