UNBIASED POLITICAL SATIRE & HUMOR FOR SNOWFLAKES LIKE YOU.

We Only Report What We Want to Hear. You Decide.

 

Suspicious Minds

Suspicious Minds

When I was in my twenties a co-worker told me the captivating story of where he was when Elvis died. Former co-worker had purchased tickets to an upcoming Elvis concert which did not happen due to the untimely death of Elvis. His dumbfounded response to the news of the King's death was, “But I have tickets...” I was about to ask if he got a refund when he asked me if I remembered where I was when Elvis died. I said, “I don't remember where I was, but I'm sure I crapped my pants that day. Because I was four months old.” Former co-worker then got all kinds of mopey because I made him feel old. And he'd been mourning the loss of Elvis for twenty-five years.

I miss the days when being born the same year Elvis died meant I was young. However, it does mean I always know how long Elvis has been dead. Which is forty-one years for the record. Knowing this leads me to wonder why Trump just awarded Elvis with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. And Babe Ruth, who I believe has been dead longer than Elvis. But I'm not sure because Babe Ruth didn't die the year I was born. To be fair he did award some living people, people I wish were dead, like Orrin Hatch. And people who won't die already, like Orrin Hatch, are going to show up to receive their awards while sucking up to Trump. Entertainers and athletes would probably have boycotted the awards. I'm guessing that's why Trump chose to award dead entertainers and athletes. And I find Elvis to be the most fascinating dead choice Trump made.

Remember how Trump avoided the draft because his foot hurt or something? Excuse me, I mean, because he was rich and his foot hurt or something. Elvis was drafted shortly after hitting it big and becoming a rock star before people knew to call him a rock star. Because that phrase hadn't been invented yet. Instead of using his fame and fortune to avoid the draft, Elvis walked away from his career for two years while he served in the U.S. Army. People with only a passive interest in Elvis believe this is because he was super patriotic or the fifties was a simpler time when people didn't dodge the draft. But hardcore Elvis fans know the real reason Elvis wasn't a draft dodger. And that reason was Colonel Tom Parker.

Most people know about Elvis and the Colonel, however, if you're very young or simply never cared, I'll break it down for you. The Colonel was a dirty carnie who first saw a teenage Elvis playing state fairs and crap like that. Girls went crazy for Elvis because he was hot and he could kind of sing. The Colonel quickly realized he could cash in on this young hick who was hot and could kind of sing. The Colonel convinced Elvis he should manage his career, which he did until the day Elvis died in 1977 of either a heart attack, an overdose or constipation.

Through all those years Elvis was the Colonel's only client and the Colonel totally ripped him off. He took half of his money and made all kinds of side deals so he could make money off of Elvis without actually having to pay Elvis. Basic dirty carnie stuff. He was still pulling this stuff after Elvis died. The Colonel sold memorabilia he stole back to the Presley family.

This brings us back to the fifties and the draft notice that took away the Colonel's only source of income for two years. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis report for duty and not try to dodge the draft. It was the Colonel who insisted Elvis donate his entire army pay to charity, which he did. You may be wondering why a dirty carnie who literally stole from a dead man would be willing to lose his cash cow for such a long period of time. The reason is the Colonel didn't want the government poking around in his business. Because Colonel Tom Parker wasn't a colonel and his name wasn't Tom Parker. His name was Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk and he was an illegal immigrant. And no one knew until he died in 1997.

Despite his celebrity status and weird accent, the Colonel managed to keep his immigrant status secret. I'm assuming because he was white. I mean, I've never heard of anyone wanting to build a wall to keep the Dutch out. Although, we may want to consider it. There is speculation the Colonel fled the Netherlands because he was the suspect of a murder.

To this very day, we all know the name Elvis Presley due to the shady actions of one Colonel Tom Parker, aka Andreas Cornelis van Kuijk. By awarding the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Elvis Presley, Donald Trump endorsed the shady actions of Colonel Tom Parker, who was possibly the most successful illegal immigrant in U.S. history and possibly a murderer.

 
Crooked Ivanka Private Email Scandal: Clinton Says ‘Lock Her Up’

Crooked Ivanka Private Email Scandal: Clinton Says ‘Lock Her Up’

FBI Uncovers Treasure Trove Of Trump Tapes Following Raid, Including Stormy Daniels and Clinton Swingers Video

FBI Uncovers Treasure Trove Of Trump Tapes Following Raid, Including Stormy Daniels and Clinton Swingers Video